Well hello there...

Did you miss me?

I know I missed you. Why yes, I have put on a little weight, thanks for noticing.

You know, the life of a blogger is a thankless one, as Whofleck and Poop Snacks are undoubtedly discovering now. "Sure, I'll write something every day for 100 days." I'll bet you're wishing you could have that one back, eh boys?

What have I been up to? Oh, not much. Since my retirement, I've spent a great deal of my time in a bathtub filled with chocolate sauce while Desperate Picklette drizzles my exposed parts with Goldschlager. It's a life of quiet dignity. Large chunks of my day were spent fending off the advances of our adoring fans. It's no easy task, when those blades get spinning, they hurt. But in this heat? You need to do something. Amirite?

Well, with the economy what it is and me looking for a career post-blogging, I took a job with a local television studio. But it turns out Larry King only needs a fluffer on Tuesdays and Thursdays. So it was back to the drawing board. I was a tour guide in Central Park for a while. But it turns out that they don't pay you for that. Also, my back hurt from sleeping on the benches. And getting raped by homeless people. Still, I was retired! Living the high life. And I wouldn't change it for the world.

/changes it for considerably less than the world

But then there was a clamoring. It rang out from the hills and from the valleys, from the oceans and the deserts: "Pickle! Come back! We miss you!"

Okay, there wasn't so much of a clamoring as a murmuring.

Okay, my brother begged me to post again.

Okay, he indifferently and casually asked if I'd be posting again.

Okay! FINE. No one has ever asked me to post again. I am bored at work and finished the crossword puzzle too quickly today. There, are you happy?


I feel like so much time has passed. And I've missed you all so much. Except you in the corner. Yeah, the buttery kid. Pull yourself together, man.

Anyway, it's good to be back, even for just a moment. This might be kind of long since I don't plan on posting very often. Just wanted to warn you. It might be more like two posts rolled into one. Like some kind of fusion post... a cold fusion post. Alert the Nobel committee! Ah, fuck. I'm so desperate for your approval it sickens me.

...

So, I watched The Neverending Story again last weekend. Um. Yeah. Not as awesome as I remember. It's whimsical as fuck and that Luck Dragon is still cute as all hell. But the acting is appalling. And Atreyu's accent? Does anyone remember this? I can't figure out what the fuck that kid is doing. Also, he creates stirrings in my loins that are strange and confusing to me. ARTAX! But yeah, by the standard and scope for fantasy stories that I've grown accustomed to, The Neverending Story seems embarrassingly paltry in comparison to, say, Lord of the Rings. Both movies have all that fun homo-eroticism, but Neverending Story has that little dash of cheesy WTF-ness that really caps the movie off. In the end? When he's riding Falcor to scare the bullies from his non-story life? What the fuck is going on?

a) What mechanisms are in place for him to transport the dragon between realities like that? This is the first we've heard of it.

b) It's a dragon. In a major American city. Where are the National Guardsmen? This thing is about to devour chubby children in the middle of the street and that seems to just fine with everyone.

c) This child, Bastion, is the most irritating creature I have ever seen. He cries like a little bitch while he's reading a silly little fantasy novel. What's that? It turns out its real and only his imagination can save Fantasia? Blow me. I felt like an asshole just typing that sentence. NAME ME BASTION!! NAAAAAMEEE MEEEEEEE! Fuck you.

d) AATREEEEEYYYYYUUUUU!

e) The Rock-Biter (which sounds deliciously like Pillow-Biter to me) eats rocks. But he appears to also be made of rocks. Isn't this cannibalistic? If I ate human skin and flesh, you would find that fucked up, no? And yet, this creature seems to subsist entirely on the same substance of which he is made. I am discomforted.

Worst of all, I had hyped the movie up for Ms. Pickle, as she had never seen it. And then I was horrified when it turned out that the movie is considerably more terrible than I remembered.

Speaking of more terrible than I remembered... Or just terrible things:

This happened.

I'm willing to bet that many of you are too lazy to click on that link. Or that, like me, you don't want to navigate away from this page you are so adoringly perusing. So I'll explain briefly. The Detroit Tigers were playing the Cleveland Indians-- No, wait! Don't leave! It gets more interesting, I promise. In the ninth inning, Detroit pitcher Armando Galarraga has a perfect game going. He has retired 26 straight batters. And he gets the last Indians batter to hit a fieldable grounder to Miguel Cabrera. He runs over to cover first, catches the ball from Cabrera and gets the out. Only he doesn't. The umpire calls the runner safe. And no one can believe it. Especially since it just isn't true.

There's lots of video of this out there now. You can probably find a better one yourself.

This shit really got to me, man. Imagine having your chance at immortality wrecked by someone else. I don't blame the umpire. Seriously. Baseball should have replay at this point. There really aren't a lot of good arguments against it. Used sensibly, it would not extend the game length by that much. A few minutes at the outset. And it would prevent this kind of shit. I also think that we probably have the technology to have strikes and balls determined by a camera and computer but people seem really resistant to that, even if it could be as fast as the current shitshow. And we could get robot pitchers and runners on hover-sleds. And cocaine and steroids MANDATORY for all players. God, this sport already sounds better. What were we talking about?

Oh, right, some guy is still getting paid millions of dollars to throw a ball around in a field. Sorry, I don't know what I was so upset about.

It was nice to see you again, too.

No, I'll call. I promise.

/shows self out
//doesn't call