Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Smell of Freedom

Ever since I went to college, my mother has been mailing me
monthly care packages. They're never anything to write back
about: pamphlets on scalpel hygiene, warheads, stacks of brown
bags to encourage me to save money by bringing me lunch to work.
Sometimes she sends underwear. Yesterday I got an exceptional
kind of underwear. When I found out last November that most kinds of underwear feature a fly I was impressed when i found out 2 years
ago that there was a fly in most kinds of underwear. No shoddy
feat if you ask me, mankind.

This pair had a little something extra though. To be brief: Buttons. Two of
them. Right where the buttons on pants or shorts would be. I
called my mother immediately. She claimed she had no idea what I
was talking about, that she had never sent me a care package in
my life. After a brief screaming match that I won, I tried on
the mysterious "boxer shorts". To be honest, they felt pretty
much the same.

However, during a late night defecation ceremony, I realized its
true genius. See, guys like me with particularly tight anuses
run into a poop problem, namely, we stretch out our underpants
bands too quickly. We need to stretch out legs out as far as
possible, and the inconvenience, not to mention social stigma, of
taking one leg out of the pants and leaving the other hanging
from the other leg like a skip-it means both legs stay in, and
stretch out the underpants.

But! we can unbutton our underpants and stretch ourselves to a new apogee of comfort. So thank you, mysterious care package sender.

1 comment:

  1. "to be brief: Buttons."

    /gets it.
    //slow clap.
    ///ponders whole new roof.