Tuesday, June 22, 2010

My Existence Is a House of Cards Made Up Entirely of Jokers

CT: /checks checking account online
//has panicked moment
///dials 1-800 help line for Epoch.com

A: Good afternoon, this is Adam, how may I help you?

CT: Uh, hi Adam, this is Canadian Tuxedo, and I just was looking over my statement, and there is a $34.95 charge to Epoch.com...and I honestly have no idea what that could be.

A: Well I can help you find out, can I have the first and last four digits of your check card?

CT & A: /confirm CT's identity and info

A: Well, it looks like that's a monthly charge for XXXblackbook.com

CT: What?

A: It looks like you've been signed up for some time.

CT: What?

A: Since June 2008. Would you like to cancel that?

CT: What? Yes. How did that happen?

A: ........

CT: I have no idea how that happened.

A: *Sighs* Okay, it's been canceled, you'll get an email confirmation shortly.

CT: I won't get charged again?

A: No, it's been canceled.

CT: Uh, thanks.

/hangs up

Holy shit. Holy dogshit. Look, the jobless, ambition-less period immediately following college wasn't a great time for CT. He wandered his parents' lovely home like the mayor of the Island of Misfit Toys. He drank Coors light until it was time to drink more Coors light. He would take long walks by himself smoking clove cigarettes and largely avoided friends, exercise, or doing anything of merit. Whofleck and I refer to this as "Black Summer" for these and other, somehow more pathetic, reasons. As for CT circa June '08, I have no memory of what terrible decision he made that entailed signing up for XXXblackbook.com, and I will insist that it probably happened somewhere between 4 - 6 AM with his pants around his ankles. I am so glad that man is dead. OR IS HE? It's not even a cool site! It's not even top 5 of what I would sign up for (Netflix, for God's sake man, NETFLIX!)!

And apparently I've been signed up for 24 months. I HAVE TASTED REGRET AND IT IS BITTER, BITTER. Stick to craigslist, CT of yore. It's cheaper and more entertaining, with likely an identical "success" rate ( less than one percent, negating wind resistance).

Hobby of the Day: Figuring out what $838.80 could have purchased me if I hadn't unwittingly spent it on a sex dating site for the last two years. If nothing else, at least today I became a little bit less of a sucker. Oh, and I'm not a member of "XXXblackbook.com" anymore, so there's that.


  1. You can atone.

    Put $838 away when you are able and then each month, save $34.95. See what that does for you in say, 40 years at 7% interest.

    When you withdraw that particular princely sum, fondly remember the Black Summer.

    Then take me to Iron Abbey.

  2. I'll be dead.

    Take Whofleck, and then bring your empties to Holy Sepulchre. Lay the Orval at the foot of my grave, and all the Lazarus Liquor at the head. Then......chant?

    Hey, you never know.


  3. You went 2 years before realizing you'd made a mistake.