I know I'm flip-flopping, but mayo is not something that should be ingested in large quantities.

It was a mistake, I admit it. So let's all just get over it. Really, I feel much better. You'd surprised at how easy it is to swallow your pride after you've tried to swallow about six tablespoons of mayo in one go.

Don't judge me. Mayo is not what it used to be. It's powerful stuff. It's versatile yet simple, satisfying yet addictive, nauseating yet delicious. And like most things born of contradiction, it's often misunderstood.

Seasoned & Coagulated Unfertilized Chicken Embryos (SCUCE), known colloquially as Mayo (short for Mayonnaise), was originally concocted by ancient medicine-men as a sexual stimulant to be lathered on the testicles during new moons. In fact, many couples are prescribed it to this day, though the religious nature of its application has since become dated. Around 1904, female application of the sauce become a provincial sensation in Western Russia, which incensed the bourgeoisie and sparked a series of events ending with their defeat at the hands of the Japanese. Governments across the world, taking fair heed of Russian folly, embarked on a massive campaign to remove mayo from the common sexual organ and place it on bread and in salads.

Since then, mayo has gone dormant as a fairly popular condiment, but that seems about to change. Take recent events: just this week in the gulf, mayo has both been instrumental in saving precious marine life in the Gulf, as well as caused a massive HAZMAT emergency. That's right, it can cure and cause environmental disasters. Simply put, mayo is breaking out of our refrigerators and forging a new life for itself.

So the next time you want to impress someone with your eating skills, skip over the mayo. Try garlic, bacon, 0r soy sauce. There's no telling what overdosing on the stuff will do in this day in age, but I'll tell you one thing: it'll certainly save everyone a lot of napkins.