Friday, June 25, 2010

Don't Just Stare At It...Eat It.

Things in life that I saw dunked that should never be dunked:
My ex-girlfriend dunking the armpits of her t-shirts in detergent before washing.
Any adult helping any child dunk balls of anything into anything.
Assholes dunking trash with way too much gusto.
Basketball players dunking basketballs; it is not athletic and you belong in a circus.
Cookies. Especially cookies.

I remember in elementary school when the first cool moms started giving their children (my peers) these dunk-happy snacks. Even at such a tender age, I knew that watching kids do stupid "moves" to eat would give me cafeteria rage.
"I'm gonna jump on top of my stool and do a turn and then kick the wall and then dunk!" shouts some sugar-toxic child. Great. Now you get to distract and frighten me for three minutes because just being able to eat isn't enough for you. Instead, every stupid little thing has to be a game. Instead, my own consumption is interrupted so you can practice never impressing girls and getting everyone to feel fleeting pity in your absence. WHY DIDN'T ADULTS WARN US ABOUT HOW DUMB WE WERE!?

/never get cookies
//get tastykakes instead
///win best lunchbox award
////never thank mom

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