What in tarnation is-a goin' on herrree? Dang-nab-blast-it. I dun left you varmints to yer own dang devices and ya gone and dun this? I trusted yoo. I trusted yoo like mah own blasted hands. And ya had to go and do this.
I tole ya to be mindful of the stepchildren. Ah know, Ah know, they're filthy an' cover'd in sores, but theys still mah testes. An' I loves 'em so. I jes' asked ya for a simple, no-frills, ol'-fashioned, well-greased handjob. I paid two bits for it!
That's the way 'tis. Yer high-falootin' werds and all that talk 'bout "jerkin' me dry as the Sahara." I calls bullshit on that! Crushin' mah balls like that. In your whorin' hands. That ain't right. Jes ain't right.
Ah dangnabit. They're all mangled now.
And yeh got the clap ya say? Gawwwww horsefeathers.