Bad Movie Review: Movies I Haven't Actually Seen Edition

I saw the first one of these movies. I enjoyed it. Sort of. It had Devon Sawa circa the video for "Stan" and Slackers. Those were both awesome and so the first "Final Destination" movie had a certain coolness-by-osmosis thing going for it. And it had Candyman in it. "I don't like soft-ass shit." Yeaaaahhh.

But then they went and made an assload of sequels to it. This is something that is quite common in the low-budget horror/torture porn film genre. How many sequels has Saw had at this point? And Hostel? It appears that the American public's appetite for human suffering is nigh insatiable. But the fact that Final Destination has so many sequels seems to almost be parody at this point. The very name of a sequel to FINAL Destination is... well, at least foolishly titled. I know, I know, they're not the same group of people that death is still chasing in all of them. But still, come on. It's the same problem with the sequels to Jaws. Are these giant, man-eating Great White sharks THAT common? So common that there would be another 3 or 4 of them within a few years? And if so, why was everyone so shocked by the appearance of that first one in the waters by Amity Beach? It's a story that only works because of the isolated nature of it: there has never been a shark like this before and none ever again, it is THAT remarkable.

Ditto Final Destination. The setup and subsequent story loses most of its impact if this people-escape-death-and-then-get-hunted-down-in-crazy-inventive-ways phenomenon is that common. Apparently the studio executives are aware of the lunacy of this, but they're making ANOTHER one of these. Even though the most recent sequel was called THE Final Destination.

Sigh. I forgot why I started writing this. The only movies that should ever have sequels are superhero movies. Name ONE good sequel (other than The Godfather) that wasn't a sequel to a superhero/regular hero movie (because, fine, Star Wars had Empire, which is awesome). Lord of the Rings movies don't count because they were already written as a trilogy, not an afterthought sequel. So, there, with all those caveats, name one. Yeah, that's right, you can't.

QED, motherfucker.