But I Tigress.

I don't know if I'm alone in this, or if I'm merely the first person I know to reach out to the world about confusing prepubescent lust for fictional female figures in little boys.

Oh, you've decided to keep reading? Very well then. Bold. These are the women who made me know I was a boy before I knew that boys wanted to do things to women. At least, some boys do. If that sentence only kind of made sense, that is exactly the point.

5.) Cheetara- She's a Thundercat! This show stopped it's original run when I was 4. It ran in syndication a bit. I remember nothing of plotlines or themes or other cat humanoids. One of 'em was blue. But ooooh Cheetara, you mynx (almost literally!). You were the reason we were not a pet family.

4.) Poison Ivy from Batman The Animated Series- This series was mine, all mine. Fox, 4PM. Poison Ivy, the crimson poison flower that bloomed through the cracks of Gotham's gritty noir terrorscape, made me think that I would grow up to marry a cartoon. AND I MIGHT.

3.) The Brunette Diver from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. We never saw them. She removed her bathing suit and we never saw them. The camera just wouldn't pan low enough. I once stood in front of the TV and peered down into it, thinking I'd be able to see them. My grandfather yelled at me. I was too young to actually berate though. I just knew I wanted to see.

2.) Barbie Dolls. It's the saddest, creepiest cliche. My sister was done playing with her Barbies just as I was discovering their appeal. Looking at a Barbie without pants on is the fastest way to learn nothing about sex or why it hurts to stand up sometimes. The basement in my parents' home will always remind me of spending inordinate amounts of time staring perplexedly at smooth beige plastic.

1.) Carol Burnett in a Slip as Mrs. Hannigan in Annie. I don't know why. I never knew why. Excitement mingled with shame. Are orphanages bad? Will I grow up to be Daddy Warbucks? Daddy? Mommy? Is it time for a nap? Will Mrs. Hannigan be there? Will she fall backwards into the bathtub? Am I ruined for life? Is this why things have turned out this way? It feels like I have to pee but I don't have to pee. WHAT IS GOING ON?!