Sunday, March 28, 2010

That's A Short Skirt You've Got There, Link

Before Wii controllers, before 3D graphics engines, before the Hookshot and the Master Sword, even before side-scrolling Adventures, this was Link.

And godDAMN are those some short shorts. Or a skirt. And doesn't it look a little like he has saggy, old-lady boobs? Considering the consummate practicality of the rest of the his equipment (only the bare essentials: boomerang, bow and arrow, a few bottles, an explosive or two, sword, shield and, of course, the requisite rupees) his "tunic" seems less than ideal.

Why is he holding the sword by the blade? That's a surefire way to cut yourself in the heat of battle against the White Wolfos or Armos Knights. Also, he's apparently wearing a bondage bracelet on his right wrist.

And those boots pulled up so high? Are we defeating Ganon or go-go dancing here? No way you're wielding the Sword of Evil's Bane dressed like that. NO WAY. You want to wave around the Cane of Byrna, fine. Go right ahead. But you go swinging the Master Sword around like that, you're bound to lose the little Links, if you catch my drift.

My point is, Link dresses like a cheap slut.

And yet...

His flowing locks, supple thighs, and unflinching command of the Silver Arrows. There's just something about an elfin man who speaks fluent Hylian that just gets me going. Sure, he's a bit flighty sometimes, taking off in the middle of the night to rescue maidens. Being contacted telepathically by this "Sahasrala" fellow. He sure can make a girl jealous. 7 Descendants?? What? One Zelda wasn't enough for you?? You filthy, filthy tramp. You Goron-blowing guttersnipe. Think you can just go around rub-and-tugging every Kakariko-inhabiting girl you see? You'll see, one day you'll find a girl. A nice redheaded maiden who you think is the bearer of the 4th crystal you need. She'll seem so nice, just like all of them. You'll be leading her out of, oh, I don't know, let's say The Thieves' Hideout in the Dark World Kakariko Village. You'll be almost out into the open air when--BAM! She'll turn into Blind the Thief, a hideous head-detaching monster who spits fireballs and chases your lithe little body around the room. Yeah, that'll teach you.


Incidentally, I think Canadian Tuxedo in a Link costume is my ultimate fantasy.

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