Life is full of possibilities

First of all, I seriously have no idea what this picture is. But it's disgusting and it's one of the first images that shows up when you Google image search "office job." To be honest, I was expecting more porn of the "office sex" genre and less of the "fat guy on his floor half nude fixing a computer" type images. But that's neither here nor there. This picture is like a car crash. A fat, naked car crash. I can't look away.

The reason I was Google image searching that was that I daydream a lot about other jobs I could be doing. I was a theater major in college precisely so that I wouldn't have to work in a regular office job. And yet, here I am, working a shitty office job to support my semi-existent theater career. That is so counter-productive it's ludicrous. One of the side effects of advanced education in this country is that we emerge at the age of 22 with no discernable skills. I can write a perfectly adequate compare/contrast essay regarding the Hegelian dialectical approach vis a vis the Nietzschian Apollonian-Dionysian dichotomy in theatre, but I don't know how to build a fire. Or fix an air conditioner. Or drive a car. Or ride a bike. Or pleasure a woman. Okay, I'm a failure of a man. I blame my parents. They didn't teach me shit. I can't do any of the things a man of my age, status and education is supposed to be able to do. I'm a receptionist. Literally, a trained parrot could do my job. That isn't an exaggeration in the slightest. I have thought a great deal about how to train just such a creature so that I could stop coming to work and no one would notice. It's emminently doable.

But this got me thinking.

What are the jobs I COULD do? And which would I most like to have? I immediately dismissed all jobs that I couldn't physically do (Professional football player, Army Ranger, porn star etc.) and then moved on to deciding which of the remainder I would like to do the most. I tried to ignore financial compensation as a criteria. Here's what I came up with:

1. Olympic curler - I've been through this before on here, but I just really want an Olympic medal. And as a curler I think I'd have a shot. It's not that physically taxing and I'd really enjoy learning a new skill. My obscene dedication to and training regimen with regard to my masturbation habits is going to help with that sweeping motion. The sport itself is just obscure enough to give you some hipstery-cool, but just mainstream enough that people will be impressed when you tell them you're on the Olympic team.

2. Major film studio executive - You don't think I could do this job? ANYONE could do this job. And do it better than the assholes who do it now. These people greenlighted not one but TWO sequels to Big Momma's House. But the job would be amazing because a) you get to watch movies and talk about movies and read movie scripts ALL THE FUCKING TIME, b) people respect and fear you and take you out to expensive, boozy, sushi-filled lunch and c) when you inevitably get fired, your severance is higher than your salary ever was. BONUS: My Semitic heritage is a big ole plus in Hollywood. In case you haven't heard, those people RUN THE FUCKING MEDIA.

3. Scuba diving instructor -My brother used to do this. It's fucking awesome. You just get to scuba dive all day. If I didn't get seasick, I would have been all over this shit. I love diving but the whole "being on a boat" thing sucks for me. I puke a lot. All over myself. It's delightful. Any activity that involves a lot of vomiting is not a good one for me. Hence, the lack of "vomitorium manager" on this list. So if I could just be a diving instructor who never had to do long boat trips, that would be ideal. Get working on that, God.

4. Teacher at super-rich private school - Teachers in general fit exactly my profile. Those who can't do, teach. But being a teacher in one of the places that actually needs teachers (inner cities, impoverished rural areas etc.) is scary because the kids are tougher than you. And might be packing heat. I would be so scared of my own students. But teaching at a snooty private school? Where the kids are all just stoned and spoiled? That I could do. And you get the WHOLE SUMMER OFF. I would probably drink a lot though. Like every day after school, I'd go home and drink some whiskey and listen to Nina Simone and beat my self with a knotted-rope. I don't know, it sounded right in my head.

5. Morgue assistant - Now wait, hear me out. I couldn't be the guy doing autopsies or embalming or any of that; to refresh your memory (I know this is getting long) I have no skill set. But just being the guy, like hanging out at the front desk, moving the occasional corpse from one freezer to another, coordinating with funeral homes. It would be interesting at the very least. People would rememeber what you do for a living. As opposed to now. Every time someone tells me where they work, I immediately forget unless I have a personal connection to it or it's something really wacky and absurd. I think it would also be a daily reminder that life is precious. To not waste a single moment. To wash your hands often.... Okay, I fuck dead people.

6. Video game tester - Actually, I think I'm not good enough at video games to do this. But if I was, I think it would be fun. Although, can you imagine if you did that for a job? Would you never just play them for fun? I'm a receptionist and now that means that when I'm not at work I hate answering the phone. Just hate it. I wonder whether video game testing would do the same thing to you. I have a friend who watches TV for product placement/ad placement for a living. I think he hates TV now. At first the job was awesome but gradually he grew to resent it. And I think he's still stuck doing it. Come to think of it, I haven't seen him in a while. I hope he's not like Ellen Burstyn in Requiem for a Dream.

I could go on and on. But I won't. Add yours in the comments if you so desire. Or don't. It's a free country. And it's not like I'm getting paid for this shit... Waitaminute!:

7. Professional blogger