Wednesday, March 24, 2010

There Will Be Cud

My name... is Cal Openfield. And I guess you could say, I'm a dairy cow. I've always BEEN a dairy cow.

This is my boy, L.C. We run a family business.

Ladies and gentlemen... I've traveled over half our state to be here tonight. I couldn't get away sooner because I was swollen with milk at Coyote Hills and I had to see about getting my engorged udders relieved. Those teats are now flowing at two thousand gallons and it's paying me an income of five thousand dollars a week. I have two others milking and I have sixteen producing at Antelope. So, ladies and gentlemen... if I say I'm a dairy cow you will agree. You have a great chance here, but bear in mind, you can lose it all if you're not careful. Out of all men that beg for a chance to tug on my teats, maybe one in twenty will be dairymen; the rest will be speculators-that's men trying to get between you and the dairy cows-to get some of the money that ought by rights come to you. Even if you find one that has milker, and means to churn, he'll maybe know nothing about milking and churning and curdling and he'll have to hire out the job on contract, and then you're depending on a contractor that's trying to rush the job through so he can get another contract just as quick as he can. This is... the way that this works.

What is your offer? We're wasting time.

I do my own milking and the men that work for me, work for me and they are men I know. I make it my business to be there and see to their work. After all, they're pulling on my tits. I don't lose my tools in the hole and spend months fishing for them-it's not that big of a hole, if you take my meaning; I don't botch the chewing of cud and let the milk sour in the udder and ruin the whole thing. I'm a family man- I run a family business. This is my son and my partner, L.C Openfield.

We offer you the bond of family that very few dairy cows can understand. I'm fixed like no other cow in this field and that's because my udders are so well endowed. I have a string of teats all ready to work. I can load milkers onto trucks and have them here, tugging on my tits in a week. I have business connections so I can get the barrels for the storage; such things go by friendship in a rush like this. And this is why I can guarantee to start milking and put up the cash to back my word. I assure you, whatever the others promise to do, when it comes to the showdown, they won't be there...


  1. L.C. stands for "Little Cal", doesn't it?

    DOESN'T IT?!!

  2. The last scene will be hideous. :(

  3. Who was nursing you, poor Eli, one of Bandy's sows?