Okay, I know I'm a little late to this party. But it's not like I was going to see this in theaters and I sure as shit wasn't going to waste a spot on my Netflix cue for it. So I saw it on TV a little while ago.And by saw it I mean watched the first forty minutes or so.
This is a godawful piece of hell on earth. Humanity despairs that this has become a wildly successful cultural phenomenon.
So, in this movie, Bella (Kristen Stewart) moves to rural somewhere in the Pacific Northwest to be back with her father. The reasons for this are completely undiscernable. Something about how she wants her mother to be free and happy to follow a rodeo clown around the country? Or something? It wasn't that clear. It's supposed to endear the audience to her, like how she's willing to sacrifice her own happiness for her mother's. But that's just bad parenting. Her mother comes off like an irresponsible floozy. Why were we supposed to care?
Whatever.
She gets to this place and immediately has a close group of best friends. This is never explained. But they all love her. For her looks, maybe? That must be it because she's a humorless, vacuous bitch who bites her bottom lip a lot. A LOT. She meets her perfect match in Edward Cullen who is also a humorless, vacuous bitch. They flirt in science class. He's unbelievably moody to the point where it makes him thoroughly unlikable.
Despite being mutually terrible people, they fall in love. Or something. He saves her from a car crash. With his super strength. For you see, he's a vampire. But not really. You know all the things you think of when you think of vampires? Drinking human blood, no reflection in a mirror, gets killed by garlic, silver and sunlight? Only comes out at night? Yeah, none of that applies to this guy. When he steps into sunlight, he glitters.
Yep. He glitters.
Not only is it a terrible special effect, but he looks ridiculous. And horrible. Her response? "You're beautiful." Christ. I think I turned it off some time just after that part.
The dialogue is wooden, the acting so far below par it's an albatross (get it? it's a golf joke, you philistines). Watching this movie, even the less than half of it that I watched, was like getting your balls caught in a meat grinder while taking a diarrhea shit: shockingly painful and painfully smelly. I've never wanted a drink as badly in my life as while I was watching this movie. This thing will drive you smoke meth. And rape children. Seriously, child rapists love this movie, ergo this movie induces kiddie rape.
/line: crossed?
Maybe one should finish a movie before reviewing it. Maybe so. But this one didn't bear finishing. If you liked this movie, there's a very good chance I will hate spending time with you. Just FYI.
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