While My Guitar Gently Seeps

It feels like it's the first really nice day of the year outside. I have a completely irrational response to this day. It's 70 and sunny outside and all of a sudden I have ADD and tourette's. Well, not tourette's. That's just me yelling inappropriate things because I want to. COCK! CUM-GUZZLING TWAT MONKEY! See? Awesome. But ADD definitely. I'm at work, listfully staring out the window (thank god there are windows close by) and wondering what it's like to be frolicking outside. It's like my first response to the first snow of the year. I've seen snow and sun before. I know they occur every year without fail. And yet, I completely lack fore-and-hind-sight when these things occur. I act as if not only have I never seen a nice day before, but also as if this is the only one that has been, is or will ever be. This is all compounded by the fact that it's Good Friday.

I work at a financial firm. The financial markets are closed. Ergo, no one is at work. Except for the support staff. Like me. Receptionist, extraordinaire. But it's so dead here that I luckily have time to write an overly long, rambling Friday blog post.

So what does one do as a receptionist when there are no phone calls and no guests to greet?

Funny you should ask. So far, here is a partial list of things that can be done and/or have already been done today:

- Paper/wooden airplane tossing. Bonus points if you can make it do a flip or break itself or something else in the room!
- Crossword puzzle(s). NY Times and The Onion are preferred but the LA Times has an online puzzle for free that works in a pinch.
- Frogger: http://www.happyhopper.org/
- Throwing packets of sugar from the coffee room at one another, preferably from the floor above you. More bonus if you can do it without being seen!
- Blog reading.
- Blog writing.
- Surfing the Internet for NSFW things while trying not to get caught and all the while wondering if the IT department knows that you're a demented pervert.
- Scrabble. My personal best score of all time, achieved this morning: 426. I bingoed twice, once with PAINTED and once with QUEUEING.
- Taking shoes off. Walking around in socks. Sliding on reception area floor, Risky Business-style.
- Fantasizing about base-jumping out 39th floor window with parachute, gliding to Bryant Park and grabbing a sandwich from 'wichcraft and lying out in the sun, all while wearing assless chaps, Terminal Velocity-style.
- Farting. Letting it sit for a while under your butt and trapped in your pants. The process is similar to sous-vide. Then ease up on one or both cheeks of the butt and release the gas. Laughing as your coworkers suffocate.

These things help pass the time in a dull work environment when your whole body and mind are crying out to just be allowed to run free. I really would just prefer to be pantsless in a park right now. Hell, I'd rather be pantsless in a gutter than at work. But such is life. We can't all be bottomless gutter-feeders. Only the lucky few. Pants are the opiate of the masses. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Did you see Braveheart? See, they were rebels AND they wore no pants. That movie had a deeper message, man. And that message was: DON'T YOU HATE PANTS??

That's right, Homer. You preach it, son. You preach it.

Everything good and humorous that I know comes from The Simpsons. It's no coincidence that I would vote for anyone named Quimby (can't this town go one day without a riot), will watch any man in a bumblebee costume (ay! un burro amoroso), will make sweet love to a sea captain (aye, the hot pants), and have seen every McBain movie every made (the goggles, they do nothing).

Yep, The Simpsons and Futurama pretty much determines my life these days. On my best days, I feel like Philip J. Fry.

Yep, he's walkin' on sunshine. He sure is.

Well, I've rambled long enough for now I think. Don't want to get all burned out before the weekend. Enjoy the sun. Don't get burned. And remember: if you're sunbathing in the nude, put extra sunblock on your taint and balls. Those areas don't get sun very often and are exceedingly uncomfortable when burnt. Try shaving your grundle after a sunburn. Not pleasant. I'm talking SPF 90 here. Slather it on. Trust me, you'll like it.