Idiot Tax

I play the lottery sometimes.

It's been called an Idiot Tax. The chances of winning are approximately 1 in 175 million. Those odds are statistically insignificant. "It's only a dollar, though!" Yes, I hear you scream it. But you might as well light that dollar on fire or wipe your tushy with it and flush it down the toilet.

I bought 5 NY Powerball tickets and 2 Mega Millions tickets this morning on my way to work. I see that sign that says "The Jackpot is now..." and if the number is high enough, you bet your fucking ass I buy a ticket. Or 7.

Now, I'm a pretty smart guy. I'm well aware that I have basically no chance of winning the lottery. And that I'm throwing away seven dollars and that to make up for that I'll probably have to skip lunch today. But still, I play the lottery. When it gets up high enough that the lump cash payment, after taxes, is such that I can lavishly improve my lifestyle AND ensure that I never have to work again, I buy a ticket.

And the money I spend on the ticket is like the price of a movie ticket. For 16 or 18 dollars you can spend almost three hours watching Avatar in 3D. I absolutely get at least 1/16th or 1/18th of the amount of joy from buying a lottery ticket and subsequently fantasizing about how I would spend the money.

What's that? You want to know how I would spend the money? Well, I'm so glad you asked.

Let's assume, for ease of numbers that I win 100 million dollars after taxes. That's a fuck load of money. It's pretty simple what I would do.

1. Buy a ridiculous apartment
Like, a 10 million dollar, open-plan, converted loft, full size pool table, maybe a swimming pool on the roof deck. Just all out awesome. Wall-to-wall kick assery. Then I'd probably put aside another 1 million or so just so that all apartment maintenance fees or associated costs would be taken care of for the rest of my life. Did I mention it would have a pool table in it? Because it would.

2. Do nothing
Fucking nothing. I would sit on my ass. I would go to the movies. I would play video games. I would eat delicious food. I would masturbate. And have sex. And watch television. And sleep. And take long baths. And masturbate in the pool. And then in the bath. All the money would be in a high yield savings account or something and I would just sit. I would do fucking nothing. And it would be goddamn beautiful.