I am Snake Plissken

"I heard you were dead."

You heard wrong motherfucker.

In the not-so-distant future, the tectonic plates have begun to shift erratically on the Earth's molten mantle. Manhattan Island, stacked tall and heavy with high rise office buildings and luxury condominiums, is sinking into the Earth.

Only one man can get you out alive. And that man is me.

These are the things I imagine when I come out of the subway in Midtown. The action hero version of myself takes no shit. He has balls of steel and a cock of the wok. He'll kick, lick and stick it to ya.

Do you need the President rescued from a dangerous isolated environment? Action-hero Me is the guy you need to call. I spend so much time imagining what I would do if Manhattan started sinking into the Atlantic that I would undoubtedly be fantastic at dealing with the actual scenario. One time, after tripping on shrooms, I had this dream where New York was flooded up to like the 20th story of buildings. And there were tornados and lightning and it was fucking crazy. It was like the Day After 2010 in Dante's Peak. Craziness. And of course, in my dream, I was badass, rowing people around in floating taxis, slamming windows shut just in time to keep out water and tornados. I may or may not have had Spiderman-esque powers as well. Look, I was dreaming AND on shrooms. What do you want from me?

The real shame?

The real life me is much more similar to Kyle's cousin Kyle: