Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The Pettysburg Address

Four score and seven years ago you borrowed seventy-five cents from me. And you never paid it back. Think I forgot? Lincoln never forgets. I'm fuckin' Lincoln. And you better believe I hold a grudge. You may have won the most NASCAR championships of all time or you may be freefallin' all over the place. It doesn't matter to Petty Lincoln. What are your minor gripes? Bring me your poor, tired, miniscule complaints, yearning to breathe free. You know what I hate? When someone steps on my foot in the theater. Just say excuse me and I'll move! I know I'm tall and have long, knobby legs. But that doesn't mean I can't make a little space. I have a lot of little gripes about theaters. Lots of little issues. I can hardly stand being in the orchestra anymore. I swear, from now on, I'm sitting in a private box.

When I was ten, a kid next door named William Todd stole two bits from me. I was plannin' on using that money to buy a new Latin primer. To educate myself. And he stole it. So 15 years later... I stole his wife. Mary Todd Lincoln. You thought the "Todd" was just her maiden name? You thought wrong. I had her first husband killed. Because he stole two bits from me when we were children. When I say "I've had men killed for less," I usually mean it. I am REALLY petty.

Say, why don't we take the kids to the petty zoo? The animals there all bite you if you stroke them the wrong way. And they have a special exhibit of the famed Hypocritapotamus.


Well, how about a trip to the Petty Museum? The sculpture gardens are beautiful. But the security guards will take you task for smallest infractions. I nearly got thrown out for calling a post-modern mural "art-deco." But I showed them. I left anthrax on all the toilet seats in the whole museum.

/confuses petty with vindictive, writes whole post about it


  1. "Skeptical Hippo.........Is Skeptical."


  2. i lovingly shook my finger in your direction when you watched my performance of Charles Selby's "The Marble Heart" and you didn't even notice!
    you were sooo smug in your private box, eh?
    it'll be your coffin!

  3. William Todd lost his snug private box to Lincoln.