Who would win?

I used to spend a lot time talking about hypothetical questions regarding fictional characters. These were always nerdy. Things like: a fight between Darth Vader and Optimus Prime? Who wins? or Would you rather be a survivor of the zombie apocalypse or the Robot Wars? (incidentally, I saw this last night and it was really fucking good. You should go if you can) Or deciding who in the office you think would be best used in the event of such a zombie apocalypse? Remember, Canadian Tuxedo? Remember? Those were the good times. The pantry times. The tuna-eating, bag-making, NPR-listening times.

Anyway, these are interesting questions to me. I still think they make for good conversation fodder. So, if on a gray and wet Friday morning you're starved for some conversation, here are some things you might consider nerdily arguing about.

1. Wolverine vs. Poison Ivy
Does his healing factor work faster than her poisonous toxins? I don't doubt he'd win in a straight-up brawl, but if her poison is faster acting, it's going to be a race to the finish for both of them. The speed of his healing factor is up for debate depending on the source, I think. In the cartoon, in season 1, it took him days to heal up in Alaska after an attack from Sabertooth. In the movies, his wounds heal in front of your eyes. He gets shot in the head and his head pushes the bullet back out and he's back up kicking ass again in mere seconds. And Poison Ivy... was played by Uma Thurman. I know nothing about her.

2. How large of an animal could you kill with no weapons?
This conversation usually comes out of some discussion of vegetarianism. I used to say things like "I'll eat it if I could kill it," to excuse my carnivorous ways. The idea was, I guess, that I would want to kill, say, a puppy, so I wouldn't want to eat one either. But imagine you are in a room, the size of half of a basketball court, naked, with no weapons. And it was a fight to the death between you and another member of the animal kingdom. What is the largest/most ferocius animal you think you could take? Like, I feel pretty comfortable taking my chances with a house cat. But a dog? Even just a medium-sized domesticated dog? I'd be toast, man. A golden retriever would bite my balls, then my jugular and it would just be over. A bird? Maybe I could take a bird if it would stop flying long enough for me to get it. Animals are just so much better equipped that us. We have no claws, no good teeth, no prehensile anything. All I've got is an unattractive amount of body hair and very sensitive external genitals. I'm a predator's dream. Natural selection has me fucked.

3. Zombie Apocalypse vs. Robot War vs. Vampire Infection
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
...Or we could go with a massive undead invasion.
-Zombie Robert Frost

Let's get one thing straight, I'm not going to survive any of these possible destructive cataclysms. I'm going to be first in line when the world starts to burn (see above, I'm not exactly the most fit for survival). But I think that each of these possible post-apocalyptic scenarios has their own unique challenges and opportunities. For example, Robot Wars definitely are the most difficult. They would be giant metal adversaries, incapable of mercy. Klaatu barada nikto etc. I wouldn't begin to know how to kill one. Zombies, vampires et. al. have well-documented means of being destroyed. On the other hand, I wouldn't think twice about trying to blow up a giant robot. But if the zombie coming for you was the reanimated corpse of a person who had once been your brother? Or mother? Or wife? Could you pull the trigger? COULD YOU?

4. If you could only pick one super-power, what would it be?
Imagine if these were the questions on college essays. How much more fun would the whole process be. I judge friends solely on how they answer this question. There are so many amazing options to choose from. Toggle-able Invisibility, Super-strength, Super-speed, Flight, Telekenesis, Telepathy, Teleportation, Super-healing, Hyper-agility etc. etc. It would take me far too long to type out a response to this for myself. On the one hand, I'm a meek and fearful little man, so I would probably like some kind of invulnerability power. On the other hand, I imagine that wingless, machineless flight is the most amazing thing one can feel, next to fucking in mid-flight. And telepathy would be great too. The problem is that mostly I can only imagine using my powers to accumulate vast wealth or to propogate sexual deviancy. Which would only lead to me becoming a super-villain and I don't think I've got the stomach for that. Best keep things the way they are then, I s'pose. And how do you weigh all the factors. Like is it worth it to look like Nightcrawler to have teleportation powers? (I never understood that, by the way. In the comics they're always saying how hideous he is. But I think he looks awesome. And sexy, in a kind of kinky, blue, animal, beastiality... oh god, I've said too much.)

5. If you could only eat one food and watch one movie for the rest of time, what would they be?
I mean, simultaneously. Like eating popcorn and watching Anchorman. Mine's easy: eating rock shrimp tempura with Ponzu sauce and watching Ghostbusters. Or Airplane!. Ah shit, I don't know. Doing any ONE thing forever would eventually turn into hell anyway.

Well would you look at that, I'm boring even myself now.

Have a good weekend. I'll be pretending I care about The Masters.