This is a Segway.
It's really not worth writing about. People have written and mocked the Segway enough to last a lifetime. It's a goofy-ass piece of means of conveyance. But as someone who doesn't know how to drive a car (going to rectify that soon) or ride a bike, I'm very interested in alternate modes of travel. And then I saw this article. And it got me thinking of my favorite kinds of travel (fictional and real). And since this is how these things work, I'm putting it in a numbered list:
Even the Led varieties.
Blimps are the coolest. "We're turning around. They're taking us back to Germany." You're goddamn right they are Indy. Even blimp crashes are cool. You can't think about a plane crash without feeling terrible. The victims. It's just horrible. But somehow I don't think about that at all when I see pictures of the Hindenberg disaster. That's weird, right? The equipment somehow trumps the lives. It's kind of the same for the Titanic. Which leads me to...
2. Majestic Ocean Liner
These are awesome. It's one thing to go on a cruise. They circle around the Caribbean a little, you make a stop every day, it's all well and good. But back in the day, this was the ONLY way to get across the ocean. It was like a giant, floating hotel that would keep thousands and thousands of people sustained for weeks while it just chugged along the open ocean. If you were in luxury classes, it was the shit. Steerage? Not so much. But whatever, fuck those unwashed peons. They used to christen these babies by breaking a big bottle of champagne on them. It's sheer flaunting of luxury. Decadent. Delicious.
This should require no explanation. Who doesn't want their very own flying dragon/dog thing? He's fucking adorable. I love you Falcor.
4. F-Zero Hovercraft
Incidentally, also my favorite video game music. "Big Blue" from the SNES version of F-Zero. This totally distorted my image of hovercraft as a child. I thought that hovercraft were awesome futuristic racing vessels. And maybe, just maybe, they all gathered on secret tracks to race one another. This was an awesome thought. Then I found out that in real life, hovercraft are relatively boring. They're the slightly more modern version of the Staten Island ferry. Lame. Super lame.
5. YoshiThis picture is fucking stupid. He's a dinosaur that you ride on. But here, he's riding a motorcycle. Terrible. Also, did anyone else notice that Yoshi used to have a saddle but now apparently it's like a decorative spot or a shell or something? What's the deal? Why the change? Were they worried about the S&M implications of Yoshi as the sub to Mario's dom? Anyway, I think it'd be awesome to have a Yoshi. He's a totally dispensable companion-cum-chariot. And he eats anything that gets in your way. And occasionally poops extra lives. I like anything that poops extra lives.