Wednesday, April 28, 2010

CAGEMATCH: Pop-Tart vs Toaster Strudel vs Abstinence

  1. Taste: Strawberry Pop-Tarts are dry and wonderful, although the corners are always lacking in fruit filling. Optimum enjoyment relies on a cold glass of milk or orange juice to wash down the paste the edges make in your mouth. Strawberry Toaster Strudel is flaky and delicious, yet requires the strategically efficient spread of labor-intensive sweet topping pack. Abstinence tastes like hours of lonely and equally sinful cockpunching. EDGE: Toaster Strudel
  2. Preparation: Pop-Tarts are good to go at any time. They are wrapped in packs of two by NASA elves and can be toasted, baked, or neither. You can leave them on your dashboard in the summer and eat them warm after swim practice. Trust me. Toaster Strudels are stored frozen, and require a toaster while the icing requires a microwave. Abstinence is a state of perpetually preparing for your inevitable first embarrassing sexual experience. EDGE: Pop-Tart
  3. Mascot: Toaster Strudel has the Pilsbury Dough Boy. Pop-Tarts have devastating toaster fires. Abstinence has the bewildered tears of guilty repression. EDGE: Pop-Tart
It looks like Pop-Tarts take the cagematch by winning two of three categories. The only three categories that matter in breakfast pastry. Or beliefs about premarital intercourse. Interchangeable.

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