Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Welcome To Subway, Idiot

What kind of bread would you like? We took a bunch of normal rolls and injected them with air for you. Wasn't that kind of us, what flavor of seasoned CloudBread would you like? Oh Italian Herb? It's like a greener version of Tuscan Blend. Toasted? But of course. Let's make a show of putting this handcrafted Artisan FluffCloud into our oven just for you. Do you feel special yet? No? You will.

It's time to build your sandwich. What kind of meat would you like? Oh, turkey/ham/roast beef? Wonderful! We've cut normal slices of all these things in half for you. Watch as I lay them like barely-touching puzzle pieces to jauntily cover two thirds of one open face of your AirLoaf. Cheese? Yes, we have odd triangle-shaped slices to provide the illusion of sandwich coverage, because we will carefully place the slices over the parts where there is no meat.

Oh, tomatoes? Sure, we have some yellowish half tomato slices right here. Lettuce? Why YES! LET US. All the lettuce you could ever want! We'll make this sandwich look like a pale green Easter basket we'll give you so much lettuce. All the lettuce you never needed, pre-shredded and applied with maximum fluff. We model our lettuce application after our bread making. WHAT AN IMPRESSIVELY LIGHT SANDWICH. It could almost float away. If it weren't weighed down by the crippling depression it feels about being inadequate.

I tried to order a chicken cutlet sandwich once. And I noticed that they have little precut individual packs of precut chicken ready to go for each sandwich. Disgusting. Not because I'm above pre-made anything, but because I imagine them weighing each little piece of chicken to ensure that your 5-Dollar Footlong weighs no more than 3.2 oz. I will go to Subway when the sandwiches look anything like the pictures above.


  1. Michael Strahan disagrees.

    /orders footlong meatball and provolone with banana peppers from Seamless
    //regrets it

  2. the ice cream scoops they use for the tuna aren't even close to normal size; fun size? party size? INFANT'S FIST SIZE?
    that goes for the meatballs as well.

    curse you, lollipop guild!

  3. If heaven was a bar, your Subway sandwiches would look like the sandwiches in the picture above. And they would be peed on by Jennifer Connelly then wiped down by Christopher Walken


  4. Dollar point four one cents?

    I have a soft spot for meager Subway sandwiches.