Friday, April 23, 2010

What, No Ribbon?

My co-worker was complaining about how her granddaughter didn't win her school invention fair. Everyone made a poster and designed some BS invention that is practical or something. She invented an elongated cat litter scooper so people with bad backs could scoop without bending over. And whoa, I don't believe it, she lost. Adding a handle to somethignt hat already exists is not the pinnacle of ingenuity. Guys! I am flipping these pancakes FROM 50 INCHES AWAY!

I made something equally shitty in grade school. It was a velcro pocket for two AA batteries you could attach to your portable cassette player. It was unnecessary and flimsy and ugly and stupid. Two AA batteries can fit anywhere. And I mean anywhere. I had the audacity to call it the "Battery Booster". Which ended up being embarrassing because people thought I had devised a way to extend the life of batteries, which I clearly had not. I was 11 fucking years old. Velcro was science.

If given the chance now, I would create a flying messenger flask that sounds like a TIE fighter dubbed over the bassline from Cake's cover of "I Will Survive". It would just break a window and clatter across the floor, and you would know your buddy just sent you booze. it would be awesome. You'd be sitting, writing in your diary about how your friends don't love you, and then off in the distance you hear the distinct roar of twin ion engines soaring through space, while the funky self-affirmative ballad creeps up on your morose tableau. A grin slides across your face because you know what's next. Window shatter. Single Malt. And you know you're sending that shit back to your friend out the window when the next payday rolls around. It would be awesome. And it sounds totally doable. I mean, if we can train pigeons to do it, why can't we train flasks?

1 comment:

  1. /tie howl
    //shattered glass

    tell jen i said 'pay it forward'