You're Late.

Where the hell have you been? You smell like Play-Doh. Have you been hanging out with Play-Doh again? I CAN SEE IT UNDER YOUR NAILS. You know, I looked the other way when it snowed earlier this week and you wanted to spend time outside. Sure. Fine. Boys will be boys. Go and make your little snow fairies.

But when you're done pretending that misshapen lump by the driveway is Parson Brown, you are supposed to get your ass back inside and spend time with me. I MADE CUPCAKES. Is this going to eat itself? No. My mouth is sewn shut, you prick. Do you think I bake for my health?

Oh? What? You don't eat plush cupcakes? Since when? Too good for plush, I bet. You know who wasn't too good to risk their stuffed life for you? Me. When I lit this candle. For the cupcake I made you. Not real fire? The fuck it's not, you son of a bitch.

How were cartoons? Good? Did you like how they ended? Were all of the problems solved in the 22 minutes like yesterday? Ohmahgosh! They WERE?! Wow, well gorry boss I guess we'll just hafta tune in tomorrow, too. Wouldn't want to miss that plot again. You really are an idiot, you know that? I wear this hat to make you look smarter, but I don't think it's working. I could wear a Klan robe and a cockring next to you and you'd still look dumber.

Wait- where are you going? YOU SIT ON THIS BED WITH ME. IT'S CUPCAKE FRIDAY GODDAMMIT! WE ARE A FAMILY! I'M YOUR GODDAMN BEAR, JONES!