Maybe you're lactose intolerant?

Good morning.

Before we get to it today, I'd like to alert you all (and by "you all" I mean the 3 people reading this, two of whom are me and Canadian Tuxedo) of some great news.

My friend Doug is one of the co-proprietors of a jerky company called Slant Shack Jerky. As in beef jerky, not as in handjobs for sale. Anywho, many people scoffed at them when they said "we're college educated people, we're gonna make it in jerky!" For the record, I was not one of those people. I've been buying the jerky since the start. And it's delicious. But anyway, the point is, it's apparently starting to take off. NY Magazine online featured them here. So, check them out. As NY Mag put it:

"The burgeoning category even has a bespoke model, SlantShack Jerky out of Jersey City, whose “Build-a-Jerky” feature starts at $5, and allows online customers to select meat (supermarket top round or turkey), thickness, rub (like Jerk McGurk’s Wild RubDown), and glaze (Sesameshire, for one). The product sold out at its Greenpoint Food Market debut in two hours, and will make an encore appearance February 13."

Again, the website is http://www.slantshackjerky.com/.

Okay, now that that's over with, I have a completely unrelated topic to discuss: pooping.

I poop a lot. This is something that I have been alerted to by my brother, my girlfriend and pretty much anyone who knows me well. I'm not talking about volume of fecal matter per bathroom visit (I have no way of comparing this with other people's) , I'm talking about trips to the porcelain throne per day. I am told that most people go once, maybe twice per day. I had friends in high school who only went once every three days or so. I take at least 4 shits a day. Sometimes more. It's not unusual for me to go to the can 6, 7, 8 times a day.

But what I'm getting at is this. No one seems to be content with the amount they poo per day. Some people pray that they can pinch a single loaf in the morning after a strong cup of coffee. Me? I had to give up caffeine because a cup of coffee in the morning means crapping 5 times before lunch. Shit, writing this is making me need to drop some weight. Anyway, I'm just saying that I wish I'd pooped less and most people wish they pooped more. It's a feast or famine kind of thing. Kind of a choose the form of Gozer the Destructor, kind of thing.

In retrospect, this post really shouldn't have gone with the jerky post.