Monday, February 22, 2010

Where do you think you're growing?

You think you're going to grow naturally, in whatever direction pleases you? I hate to disappoint you, my little verdant friend, but it's just not gonna happen. I'm gonna trim the shit out of you. If rigid shapes and forms that plants shouldn't take aren't your thing then you better get the fuck out of my way.

Ssssshhhhh... Be still now. This won't hurt. Well, I don't think so.

What should we make you today? A standard blocky wall shape? A giraffe? A bear? How about an easy to solve maze for tourists to roam through?

Oh, I see, you're not going to make this easy, are you? Oh, wait, you are. Because you're a hedge. Don't try to pull any of that The Shining shit with me. I'm not afraid of you. In fact, I'm going to give your name to a high risk, high reward investment opportunity. How do you like that? Not at all, I'll bet. The recession is going to shit all over your good name.

All of your tiny little leaves, crying out for fresh air and sunlight. Straining for that phtosynthetic reaction they so desperately crave. Tough shit. You're going to be a dinosaur head.

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