Friday, February 19, 2010

We'll start the bidding at One HUN-Dred DOLLAHS!

(If I knew how to upload audio files, I would just record myself reading this in an auctioneer/racetrack announcer voice. Let's just pretend I did.)

Do I have one hundred? Can I get one hundred? I see one hundred there to the gentleman in the red sweater and bondage shorts. Do I have one fifty? I'm askin' one fifty for this one of a kind item. I see one fifty there to the blond in the front row with the out-dated beehive haircut. Do I have two hundred? Come on, ladies and germs, I'm looking for two hundred dollars for this fantastmagorical item. This is the genuine article, the real deal, the bees knees, the stinky cheese, the creme de la creme. Do I have--Yessiree! Two hundred dollars is the bid from the Native American in the back. -- What's that? Not Native American, eh sonny? Just tan, huh? Been to Miami recently? Cuba? I tell ya, that place is the Paris of the Caribbean. Alright, then, two hundred dollars to the sun-soaked gentleman in the back. Do I have three hundred? Ma'am? He's practically stealin' it from you. Just one hundred dollars more. Do I have three hundred? Three Hundred! From the woman in front with the just god-awful beehive. Do I have four hundred? And we're back over here to the gentleman in the red sweater! Four hundred dollars sir! And may I ask why you're wearing bondage shorts? You know what, nevermind. All I need to know is what I already heard: FOUR. HUNDRED. DOLLARS. Four big ones. Four hundo-smackeroos. That's a lot of clams, people. A lot of greenbacks. A lot of cheddar. He is making it rain here ladies and gentlemen. Going once... Going twice... Wait! New bidder down here on the right side. Do I have five hundred? Five hundred dollars! New high bidder, on the right side, the obviously drunk gentleman in the bowler hat. Sir? Yes, folks, he's still conscious! We will take that bid! Any other bidders? Do I have six hundred? ... Five-fifty? Five twenty-five?... Five-ten?

Okay, five hundred, to the intoxicated gentleman with the splendid haberdashery. Going once... Going twice... SOLD! The space of a blog post on February 19, 2010, for FIVE. HUNDRED. DOLLARS. Thank you very much. That is our last item on the block today. Thank you for coming, remember, it all goes to a good cause.

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