I should've just read a book

I saw this movie last night.

I wish I hadn't.

It's not just that it wasn't particularly funny or particularly scary, one or both of which was presumably the goal. It's that it was one of the most irritating movies I've ever seen. I think I need to revise my movie watching ethos. Right now, I'll pretty much watch anything. I just like movies, period. So I'll watch almost anything with a moving picture. But this movie just flat out irritated me. I think I hate Megan Fox. Which is point one.

She's a terrible actress. At no point in this movie does she seem remotely desirable to me. It really bothers me in movies or plays when people keep talking about how x, y or z someone is but then their actions don't show them to be x, y or z. Like, in Big Daddy, how Adam Sandler is supposed to be all "down-on-his-luck" and a tollbooth operator, but he lives in this enormous loft apartment in New York City. I know, I know, he won some kind of lawsuit, but seriously? That apartment in New York? His closet is the size of some peoples' apartments. Only I live in that nice of a place.

It's like that. The main character (nicknamed "Needy"... wait, quick sidebar. Her nickname is NEEDY. And she kind of embraces this. Her BOYFRIEND calls her Needy. Everyone other than her mother calls her "Needy." How the fuck do you let this happen to yourself? At some point on your way through life, aren't you like, "hey could you guys, stop calling me Needy? My name is Cordelia" or whatever? Seriously, it made me hate her right from the start) is always saying how Jennifer is her best friend, but she seems like a really terrible friend right from the start. And other than being physically attractive, Jennifer has exactly zero redeeming qualities. I hated her from the minute she walked on the screen. And maybe that's the point. But that makes for a shitty movie if that is the point.

From a storytelling point of view the whole movie is framed in this completely unnecessary flashback with voiceover. Unless voiceover is a distinct stylistic choice (i.e Memento, Goodfellas), it's just really lazy writing... Oh, right, the writing... Okay, I liked Juno, it's a likable movie. Filled with likable people. And really strong performances from likable actors. That Diablo Cody wrote both of these movies is making me think that Jason Reitman is a genius for making Juno so good and casting it so well. As you know if you've seen that movie, Diablo Cody writes really "quirky" dialogue. Y'know, how people don't really talk? That's not necessarily a knock on her. A lot of stylized dialogue can be interesting. And in the right hands, Diablo Cody's is no different. Ellen Page and company carry it off nicely. Okay, it's a little too indie and quirky for me at some points (the hamburger phone? kind of unnecessary, right?) but in general in works.

When Megan Fox uses the same kind of dialogue, it just makes me want to punch something. This is an actual line from the movie: "You're just jello. You're so lime green jello and you don't even know it." (This means jealous) And while I kind of appreciate the reference to the green-eyed monster, that line... Woof. I REALLY almost turned the movie off then. But I didn't because I'm an idiot who likes to waste his own time. The bottom line is if you had friends who talked like the people in this movie, you would be punching your own friends in the crotch. A lot.

Remember right after Swingers came out but before everyone realized it was actually a terrible movie? And all these morons were walking around saying shit like "you're so money. You're so money and you don't even know it"? Yeah, that was awful. Thank God not enough people saw this movie for that to happen. Because that would suck. I need to stop watching shit like this. There are too much good writing and movies and tv shows and plays and puppet shows and pornography out there for anyone to watch this bullshit.

Oh, and if you're a 13 year old boy (or a brah) and your response is "Dude, Megan Fox is HOT," you should still not watch this movie. You should turn off the TV, go in your room, shut the door, turn on the computer and google "Porn." Whack away, dear friends. Whack away. Just please don't watch this movie.