Friday, February 26, 2010

Turbine of Social Awkwardness: Part II

Okay, not a turbine. But social awkwardness. This is the tandem umbrella. If I saw you using it on the street, I would kick you in your hipster shins. "Oh, it's so whimsical. It's like you're Zooey Deschanel and I'm Joseph Gordon-Levitt." Ugh.

But umbrellas generally: I don't believe in them. I believe they exist I just don't think we should allow them in civil society. In the past few days, during this rain/snow/whatever, I have been hit in the head many many times with other peoples' umbrellas. I am quite a petite man so I can only imagine that normal sized people get smacked in the face many more times than I. Considering how cumbersome they are, people so quickly and easily forget that they're holding this vinyl awning over their heads.

Even if you can avoid being poked in the eye by one of the metal supports, the conservation of matter states that the water or snow being blocked from YOUR head by your umbrella will inevitably land on MY head. It has to go somehere. And it always ends up on my head and/or trousers. You crumb-bums.

They're not even particularly practical. When the weather is like it is today (i.e Snowpocalypse), the umbrella really is only keeping your head and the first four inches of your shoulders dry. The rest of you? Might as well be nude on a frozen Minnesota lake. The umbrella is the least practical way to keep moisture off of you. I want to punch its inventor in the cock. Or vagina. Depending. A poncho? Brilliant. Simple, water-repellant, worn by Mexicans. It's a delightful piece of clothing. The raincoat? Staggeringly clever in its simplicity. Look! Its just a coat that's water proof! It keeps all the things under it dry! Umbrella? Uh... well... It's like this thing, that you hold over your head. And it sort of keeps PART of you dry. Sort of. And it gets in the way of your body's natural movement through the three dimensional world. Fuck. That.

I am very mild-mannered man. Very passive and non-violent. Some might say I border on meek and thus will someday inherit the earth. But if your umbrella hits me in the head today I'm going to insert it deeply and painfully into a body cavity of yours to be named at a later date.