Way to Kill a Man #37

My coworker Ted, or Theor, as he prefers to be called days like today when he wears his Norweigan viking tie, bought a label-maker for the office using the office credit card under the pretense that the office was drastically uncharted. To Ted, standard desk boundaries no longer sufficed. Claims had to be made.


--I have to know, unequivocally, to whom this stapler declares its allegience, he said, pointing it like a gun. I played Tom Petty from my computer, because fun things happen when I play Tom Petty.

The first thing you should know about my office is that laughing can cause a lot of wasted time. Of the eight people in the office, zero attempted a response. This is common for most interactions, but it can lead to errant behavior.

His first order of business was to print off 31 labels with the word "Everyone's" typed in bold and underlined. He adhered one to my overhead cabbinet and placed the rest inside. After such a successful test run, he turned to me.


Affectionately, -Poopy Poopy Poopy my dear boy, whattaya got goin on today? he said.

I chose the word "Emails" as my response.

He pursed his lips and made kissing noises as though enticing his apparently feline muse closer. Then he typed out a long one, hit print, and adhered the strip to his forehead. I was nervous of what interaction might come, but I looked anyway. It read: Theor.

Thankfully, Theor already moved on to find his next subject. He scanned the room with a dirty grin, his tongue flitting back and forth behind his teeth not un-sexually, pleading his muse to put out just a little bit more.

It turns out that Theor's muse puts out like a thirteen year old model UN girl with rabies.

Within eight minutes Theor had covered his entire face and neck (lips and orifices included) with labels. They often had nothing to do with him, or his face/neck. They said things like "Bottled", and "Talon". No one thought to stop him. Frankly, everyone, including me, ignored the guy as he typed and printed and typed and printed for forty minutes and even for the five minutes after he passed out and died from asphyxiation.

The second thing you should know about my office is that Tom Petty has been known to cause erratic behavior to all within.