Friday, May 7, 2010

Would you go to the Dark Side?

Let's pretend for a minute that the prequels never happened.

In fact, let's pretend that for more than a minute. I wish they never had happened. For proof of why, go watch this guy review Episodes 1 & 2.

But, in the case that you were Luke Skywalker, would you have gone to the Dark Side of the force. Let's break this down into pros and cons of going down the Hershey highway of the force:

Pro: Red lightsaber.

It looks cooler. A lesser Jedi than Ben Kenobi would be shitting his robes right now. Jedi and Sith garb and accessories are like lingerie: when in doubt, always go with red or black. The light blue shit that Obi-Wan rocks is lame. Lamer? Luke's kelly-green number at the end of "Return of the Jedi." "I see you have constructed a new lightsaber... and it's a fruity color of green. YOU'RE NO SON OF MINE! I WANT YOU OUT OF MY HOUSE!" ... Sorry, that was my father talking.

Con: Hideous facial disfigurement.

Luke: handsome. Han Solo: dashing. Leia: quite pretty. Chewbacca: a hirsute Adonis. Palpatine and Vader (under mask): severely disfigured. What good is a red lightsaber when you want to puke every time you look in the mirror?

Pro: Looser moral boundaries/killing underlings with reckless abandon.

Okay, you COULD do this as a Jedi as well, but you only WOULD do it if you'd gone to the Dark Side. And the way that officer's lip quivers makes me want to choke him. Choke him like you choke a chicken.

Con: Feared, not loved.

Is this a con? I don't know. Machiavelli disagrees.

And don't let his disproportionately small head and bulbous arms fool you, the guy knew his shit.

In conclusion:... Wait, what was I talking about again? Star Wars, lightsabers, nerdness... whatever. I probably wouldn't go to the dark side. It'd be more fun but I'm kind of a prude. And Luke and Leia only do it missionary. Incest Missionary, a novella by Edgar Allen Poe.


  1. Pro: TIE Interceptors
    Con: N/A

  2. Lack of a hyperdrive, energy shields, and on-board life-support systems.

  3. All just sad crutches for Alliance pussies.

    Life-support systems? Jesus Christ.

    "Rebels" my ass...

  4. Would you like a fresh warm towel, Mr. Solo?

    Shall we make two-ply standard in all Death Star rest rooms?

    Some fruit and champagne with your Clone War, Princess?

    Perhaps the Detention Level would benefit from some hardwood and some tasteful crown molding?

    I know - how about monogrammed blast doors and a subtle pinstripe on the AT-ATs?

    Oh that's right I AM PISSED. OFF.

    \Chewbacca growl