The "Fastest" Two Minutes in Sports

The Kentucky Derby was yesterday. A horse won it. A horse ridden by a tiny man. This result is the same as every year.

This is the most antiquated, hokey, bizarre event in the canon of bizarre sports Americana. The Indy 500? Weird, I'll admit. They kiss the bricks on the track. And then, like in all racing, they go around in circles for 4 hours. The World Series? At times, aggravating. It's a summer sport that due to the length of the season, has it's championship frequently resolved in November. It's cold and unpleasant. The Super Bowl? Awesome. I'll not hear a negative word about it.

But the Kentucky Derby? It's an event reserved pretty much exclusively for old, rich, white people in goofy hats. They watch tiny men ride large, young horses around a dirt track for two minutes after drinking mint juleps for 6 hours. I'm not saying it doesn't sound fun. It sounds exceedingly fun. It just sounds like a circus. I think I'd have a blast if I went to the Kentucky Derby. I'd walk around in a white suede suit, referring to myself as Maxwell T. Britchington, horse trainer and I'd speak in a Foghorn Leghorn accent while sipping Woodford Reserve mint juleps through a silver straw.

What do the horses think of all this? Aren't 19 of them just pissed off that they're covered in dirt, mud and the stink of exhaustion and defeat? Does the winner know that he's won? Or do they understand that if they win it means a lifetime of being put to stud, which is horse-talk for standing in a green field all day and fucking. Maybe that's why they're running so hard.

JOCKEY: Come on Finesse du Breeze!! We're on the home stretch!

/whips horse ferociously

HORSE: You can stop hitting me. Seriously. You think you want this more than me? If we win, I get to spend the rest of my life fucking different fillies constantly.

/continues getting whipped

HORSE: Seriously dude. Stop hitting me.