The Ancient Society of No-Homers

Why is everyone in town a Stonecutter except Homer?

At the beginning of the episode, Homer discovers the existence of the Stonecutters because Lenny and Carl have all these perks that he doesn't. Fine. But when he gets in, it seems like EVERYONE is a Stonecutter. Moe, Barney, Wiggum, Skinner: they're all Stonecutters. Maybe that's the point, but it seems like a secret/exclusive society isn't all that secret or exclusive if everyone is in it.

I went to Yale. At Yale, there are all these "secret societies." You've probably heard of Skull and Bones. Yes, it's a real thing. But there are a lot of others too. Scroll and Key, Book and Snake, Manuscript, Wolfshead, etc. etc. etc. It's gotten to the point where people who don't get into one (like me) end up forming their own. One of my college roommates was in the ancient and revered society called "Blood and Clown." They were formed way back in 2005 or something and they would meet on Thursdays and Sundays. The net effect was that every Thursday and Sunday night he would come back completely wasted and we would laugh as he consumed vast amounts of onion pizza and then threw it right back up. It was college.

Anyway, the secret society thing really pissed me off. (Take all of this with an even larger grain of salt than usual, by the way, since I'd probably feel differently if I'd been tapped for Skull and Bones) But here's the problem: there's this pretension of secrecy and exclusivity, but everyone knows who's in what society. That's half of the point. What's the point of being in Skull and Bones if no one knows that you're in it? So while you might play coy about where you're running off to every Thursday and Sunday, rest assured, everyone knows. And while I'm sure that the connections and endowments and all kinds of other wonderful things inherent to your secret society enrich your life greatly, it's just another way of shoving your thumb up your own ass and waving it in front of everyone's noses. In college, it means something, albeit in a largely douchey way. Proof of this is provided that everyone in one of the good societies always downplays it while at the same time carrying an air of smug self-importance about the whole thing. Out of college? You're just another asshole who joined a club. You might as well have been in an improv group or an a capella group. You imagine every conversation in life is going to go like this:

SCENE: A New York bar. Thursday night.

Skull and Boner: Hey how's it going?

Random dude: Pretty good. Yourself?

Boner: Awesome man. (whispers) I'm in Skull and Bones, you know?

Random dude: REALLY?

Boner: Really.

Random dude: That is AWESOME. Let me buy you a drink. No! Better yet, let me buy you all your drinks all night. Also, I have a job offer for you. How would you like to be a Managing Director of the large and successful investment company I run? We'll start your salary off at say, 2 million a year? Plus a minimum bonus of 10 million? Also, may I offer you this supermodel for your sexual enjoyment?

Boner: Exxceeellllleennnnt.

In reality, unless the person you're talking to happens to also be a member (how do they know? are there special handshakes and shit? probably...) the conversation is more likely to go like this:

SCENE: A New York bar. Thursday night.

Skull and Boner: Hey how's it going?

Random dude: Pretty good. Yourself?

Boner: Awesome man. (whispers) I'm in Skull and Bones, y'know?

Random dude: What the fuck is Skull in Bones?

Boner: Skull AND Bones. You've never heard of Skull and Bones? The elite secret society comprised of the best of the best that Yale University has to offer?

Random dude: ... uh....

(Awkward pause)

Random dude: OHHHH!! Didn't they make a movie about that? With the kid from the Mighty Ducks?

Boner: Well, yeah, kind of... I guess--

Random dude: That's pretty gay, man.

Boner: What?? No! We are the best of the best! A super-elite society... and we... I... mumblemumble...

/slinks away

Random dude: Fag.