Sunday, May 23, 2010

Rest In Peace, Red Baron

Though he could rarely be heard complaining, and not because he was an inanimate object, Red Baron (1995-2010) never achieved the life he truly deserved. He was found bewheeled on the corner of Henry and Pineapple streets at 1:00pm Sunday morning. He was between fifteen and eighteen years old.

A family man, Red Baron was brought into the Snack family for his predilection for taking children, namely his owner, Poop Snacks, from location to location around the lush suburbs of springtime New Jersey. His cushiony seat, 21 speeds and trim, blood red physique was the talk of the town. He flew off jumps. He toured shallow creeks, and water filtration plants. He waited for hours and hours outside the schoolyard for his little scamp of an owner to rush out at precisely 3:05.

But not all was right for the Red Baron. Though he loved and was likewise the same reciprocated, fate would force his family across the ocean, to jolly England, a bigoted land where red bicycles are still second class citizens. It is not certain whether RB refused his invitation, or was never officially invited. What is known is the Snacks family left him in a holding cell with all the other unnecessary sediment they accumulated over the years. As they closed the shelter door, according to Crab, the youngest member of the Snacks family, RB could be heard "whimpering, in that way bicycles whimper." When pressed for clarification, Crab Snacks stared knowingly into my eyes and sniffed his fingers.

The pendulum swung, and soon the Snacks family returned, finding their beloved snack infested with hairless raccoon babies. RB spent a full three days in rehab, but evidently struggled to recover.

"It reminded me of that species of monkey that masturbates to a point of starvation," said Crab, gesticulating predictably and for a very long time. We the press responded by backing away slowly.

Some might consider RB's death an anti-climax, though that may be the case for most deaths not involving Steven Seagal. His bewheeling and subsequent kidnapping has not been reported to the police, due to cynicism.

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