Science Matters Not

Q: If you were being thrown a ticker-tape parade and got to substitute anything for the ticker-tape, what would you choose?

A: Ravioli.

4 Reasons

Soft, messy. Public safety is the highest priority when it comes to parades, especially when deciding on which objects to unload onto the spectator's heads and clothes. Color and texture are tied for second, and edibility last. It's fair to say then that adequately cooked (and well sauced) ravioli make for perfect fanfare. Plus, the sauce makes for some decent press longevity. Spectators can run away from the parade screaming freedom. It'll make for some interesting racial profiling, not to mention unreliable testimonies.

Animals. Once the crowds have dispersed, it's important to make cleanup as easy as possible. The glorious ecology of any city can lend a helping hand. Yes, this may result in overbreeding, but...there's ravioli everywhere!

Italians. If TV has taught me anything, it's that Italians are opportunists. Given that parades have become a notorious breeding ground for the poor and nefarious, a few well-fed Italians can provide all the security you need. But make sure there's plenty to go around--nothing turns on you faster than a hungry Gumba, so I'd make sure there's plenty of plastic cutlery and grated cheese lying around.

History. There's no telling how many photographers will be present at a ravioli-parade, but it's important to set them up with a few Pulitzers, shots juxtaposing the Caligulian nature of the event with the inevitable images of horror and carnage, what with all the red sauce, lest the parade be forgotten behind some obscure Latin American thing.