Monday, August 30, 2010

Consider it Severance

Don Draper: Good morning, gentlemen. Thanks for coming in. We have some great ideas for SlightSack Jerky, and I think I can speak for all of us at SterlingCooperDraperDickinson when I say that we are truly excited by the prospect of your business.

Poop Snacks: Thank you, Don. I know how hard you've worked to gain this account. We're looking forward to your pitch.

Don Draper: (smiles) Well, then, shall we? Peggy, the lights, please?

Those present turn toward a large screen at the front of the room as a proposed television spot begins to run. In it, a well-dressed young man hurriedly makes his way up a set of apartment building stairs. He breaks into a run as he moves through the hallway towards his apartment door. He removes his tie, then his shirt, and is in the process of unbuckling his pants as he crashes through the kitchen en route to the bedroom. He stops, naked, in the doorway and gazes upon the king-sized bed in the center of the room. It is covered with a twelve-inch layer of SlightSack Beef Jerky. The jerky is grass-fed and glazed, with no rub. The young man falls forward into the bed, arms outstreched and mouth agape. The camera cuts to a closeup showing his erect penis slowly sinking, balls-deep, into the glistening jerky. He emits a guttural moan as the camera cuts away again, this time to a goat, tethered to a doorknob and standing in the corner of the bedroom. The goat bleats once as the image greys out and the slogan fades in on a black background:

SlightSack: Love Your Jerky

Salvatore Romano: Ohhhhhhh...............

Don Draper: So...........Gentlemen, what do you think?

Poop Snacks: I....I.....what do I think? I mean, Jesus, Draper! This is terrible! That man is fucking our product! He is actually fucking our product on a bed! We can't do a goddamn thing with this!

Don Draper: I'm sorry to hear that. A lot of the firm's talent was tied up in the development of that particular copy. Not to mention the cost. $35 a pound for jerky? I mean......come on. Unfortunately, it is quite apparent that you have very little appreciation for a week of creative.

Poop Snacks: A week of creative? A week of creative? Draper, there was a fucking goat! Did Desperate Pickle put you up to this? I'll bet he did. Well guess what, Draper? You are nothing but a Dick, and everybody is about to find that out, you can mark my words! I will see to it myself!

Don Draper: What did you just say to me?

Poop Snacks: I said you are nothing but a Dii.............

Draper? Don, do you hear me?



Poop Snacks: OK, Don, look, I'm sorry. Look, the ad is fine, the goat is fine, I love the ad, Don. DON what the fuck are you doing? Don, no! Don, NO! OH GOD DON NO I AM SO SOR




  1. How about something like:
    SlantShack: It's like eating little bovine mermaids!

  2. Who loves ya, Poop? I chang'd the name and everything......out of wut? RESPEKT!
    I am sorry Draper had to off you....