DON'T LOOK AT ME

Do you have any idea how I feel when I look in the mirror?

You don't. You fucking don't. You idle penguin-fucking cocktease. You don't have a goddamn clue what it feels like to be me. MY FACE LOOKS LIKE THE INSIDE OF JACKIE CHAN'S ASSHOLE. What? I don't know what that means either. FUCK YOU. Someone get me a goddamn spice worm ASAP. You! Yeah, you, get over here.

Holy fuck you look fabulous. Do you know what it's like having to stare at your perfectly sculpted body every day? Every day I look at your tantric, sexy form and then I see my herpetic face in the mirror and I want to throw up. Why do I even keep you here? You with your rippling ab muscles, your toned, taut flesh, your tiny sci-fi briefs...

I'll be back in a minute.