With Dozens Dead, "Machine" Menaces

Associated Press - New York, NY - Authorities have been overwhelmed with public fear and outrage concerning the latest rash of infant homicides in Manhattan this past week. With casualties in the dozens by midweek, the latest menace to New York seeks the most defenseless of victims- babies.

An empty plastic bag was discovered on the fourth floor of a small Upper East Side office building on Tuesday, inspectors say. At first glance another example of casual disregard for common decency, the empty bag left on the floor was later found to in fact be a nursery for newborn carrots. The bag, torn open in one corner, was completely empty, indicating that the children of dozens of mature carrot couples had been kidnapped, at best.

At this point Police have given up on waiting from hearing for a Ransom for the infants. After another shredded nursery was found Thursday evening in an apartment building just north of the East Village, officials indicate that the baby carrots should be presumed dead, and the unknown killer extremely dangerous.

Police were led to their conclusions by the remains of a mutilated baby, found in a trash can not far from where the first bag was discovered. The infant carrot, born with a brownish discoloration on one end, was chomped in half before being discarded by the savage that locals have dubbed the "Keratin Killing Machine". It is thought that the mutilated youth was discarded because it had been born with the defect.

Police spokesmen could not be found for comment, but a source close to the department says that authorities currently have no leads.