Thursday, January 27, 2011

Oh Boy, Here We Go Again

Confession time:

Look, I would come home from lacrosse practice everyday exhausted. My ankles would be a swollen mess of broken, sinewy strands and useless flesh (no doubt a side effect of swimming and never running). I had a series of tedious stretches to accomplish, and found the most comfortable and quiet atmosphere was on my elder sister's floor in front of a television.
Of course I watched Cartoon Network. They played kick-ass shows about samurai and giant freaking robots. If you haven't heard of G Gundam you should really check it out...incredible and ridiculous in all the right ways. I was sixteen and getting a little too old for cartoons, I suppose, but by then they were basically my soap operas and I just couldn't abandon them.
The curse of it all was the timing. In order to get to the shows I loved, I had to sit through two episodes of Sailor Moon. I would tear at my ankles with big smelly bands, flexing until the fire inside grew too great to bear. All the while, eyes fixated on little girls suffering high school drama and fighting monsters.
Sure, I started to like it. After a few weeks of the routine I had the theme song memorized. The characters were stupid, but cute, with extremely defined and cliched personalities. My favorite was naturally the shy, nerdy, short-haired girl/superhero: Sailor Mercury. Her power involved blowing bubbles or something stupid. She was kind of the weak, brainy team member...DELICIOUS!

Ah, yes: Mercury! Sweetest of the transitional metals, gentlest of the nine planets!

On the other hand, I despised Tuxedo Mask.
Look at the smug fucker...LOOK:

Don't get me wrong, slaughtering aliens with roses can look a lot cooler than you think. It was the fact that all the Sailor chicks had stupid girl-boners for him that pissed me off. And come on, everyone knows that you're really Chiba under that stupid Eyes Wide Shut outfit.
You're not fooling anyone.

Well, there you go. I was a lax bro who watched Sailor Moon...for the story. I became very interested in what new aliens the girls would fight and who they would fall in love with and when the hell they would explain why these teenage Japanese girls got magic powers.
Judge me, reader.
I'll be busy fighting evil by moonlight and winning love by daylight.

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