Thursday, January 27, 2011

Craigslist Matchmaker: New York City Blizzard Edition

Bored and Tired of the winter - 39 (Nassau, Suffolk)

Date: 2011-01-26, 5:41PM EST

Im bored right now sick of the snow Wow. INTERESTED?

I thought I run this ad to maybe find a man to hang out with,, who has time for friendship and more,, I need lots of company and TLC,, must be single, no drama, and not into games, serious minded and into going forward no issues not into games, liars , or players a nice person who is down to earth, adventured, and no recent ex girlfriends or wife. One sentence, eleven commas, zero responses to this ad. I thought I might write this ad and maybe reply, you know, not overcommitting or anything, no big deal, I didn't really take the time to write this but I did because it's here. Also, no recent ex-girlfriends. Because I am batshit insane, and want to be with someone who has not gotten a date recently. But at least I'm bored and sick of the snow. So you know I have a great personality.

  • Location: Nassau, Suffolk
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2181895148


Date: 2011-01-25, 7:50PM EST

Hi ladies, I am a busy guy, a typical week is saving a baby penguin stranded on a glacier and hand it back to its momma, Tuesday fighting pirates off the coast of Nigeria, Wednesday learning a new language and a new Mayan dialect, Thursday assist on a delicate brain surgery, and Friday negotiating a peace treaty with two Gangs in LA. I rape and strangle homeless women Monday to Sunday.

Oh by The weekend I am exhausted and all I want is some peace and quiet and a drink. CAN YOU BELIEVE SOME OF THEM TRY TO FIGHT BACK?!

If you are interested in finding out more about me and my adventures say hello. I can make some free time for you. We can get some hot tea ( yes I am that fancy ) and we can can enjoy a nice date in the city. I will pour boiling water on your face and neck while blasting Vivaldi inside my studio apartment. Your wrists will be cut and bleeding from the cheap metal handcuffs I've used to secure you to my radiator.

Warning, I just need to get home by 11:00 PM or I turn in to a werewolf so promise me you will take me home in time. The Portuguese cleaning crew that doesn't ask any questions has to be paid by then, or else I have to go to the hardware store for lye and softscrub at midnight, and they hate that.

So, you know, if you're bored ding ding ding ding ding, and you like cute smart ass guys with no criminal record and a job and lots of stories to tell, and you live in New York ... then, you know, send me some sort of electronic communication, some smoke signals or send me a pigeon with your message. Jesus dude, give it a rest.

I forgot, If i don't get back to you right away don't worry I am on an expedition to summit Mount Everest but don't worry there is wifi on Everest and once I have cell access I will promptly reply to you. I am flaky and withholding. I have taken the time to tell you nothing about myself. I pray that I am satirizing myself, yet I fear this may be an attempt at actual romance.

In the meantime it is time for me to turn off the laptop it is getting cold here and seems like I have to save a sherpa and a Yak that got stuck in the snow. My messianic complex is complete. Get in the fucking trunk.

Brrrrrrr............ GOES THE IDLE CHAINSAW
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 2178345227

1 comment:

  1. craigslist matchmaker,
    still my favorite of the classic centaur-staples.
    keep em cumming, bro.