It's All True

Once in the early nineties I spoke with Whoopie Goldberg.
It was a Sunday afternoon. I was at my grandparent's house after church. My sisters and I were enjoying bologna grilled cheese sandwiches and watching Nickelodeon. This was routine.
What wasn't routine? Nickelodeon hosting its annual Earth Day telethon. Celebrities were taking calls from stupid children across the country. No money was being exchanged, mind you. It was simply for fun and awareness.
For reasons lost in the fog of time, I found myself alone and determined to talk to someone famous. I picked up the nearest phone with a focus I had never felt before. I was going to speak with someone famous...hopefully John Travolta. He was great in Look Who's Talking.
Not funny so far, right? Get this:
The only phone up there was a Mickey Mouse rotary phone. Although I had "played" with rotary phones once or twice, my intentions were never so clear. So I dialed. I dialed and I dialed and I dialed. It did not get easier to finger those digits. The disappointments kept coming. The automaton would answer, assure me that my efforts were righteous, and urge me to continue supporting Nickelodeon.
I had to take breaks, lest I surrender to headaches and cramping.
But every time I came close to giving up, that ancient unconscious would pipe up; Next time. We're so close!

Suddenly, a living voice:
"Hey, this is Whoopie Goldberg! What are you gonna do for the environment!?"
I'm stunned. Over an hour of spinning fingers and there are no words. I had learned that no one would answer! I never even considered what the fuck I would do for the environment! I didn't care!
"..."
"Hello?"
"I'm. Plant a tree."
You fucking idiot. You should have said something amazing. You could have blown her mind with your mastery of this language. She would have offered you a part in her new movie. Fame, fortune, boobs, all gone.
"Thanks, Whofleck! Thanks for believing in Earth Day!"

I hung up and cried. Then I ran downstairs and told my whole family that I talked to Whoopie Goldberg. Nah nah nah nah naaaaah naaah!