Thursday, July 22, 2010

My Driving Road Test: A Play in One Act

As a means of catharsis, please find, enclosed, my dramatization of my road test yesterday.

Staten Island. July 21st, 2010. It is a stifling hot summer day. Desperate Pickle, 25, waits next to a car on the side of the road. No shade. He is 25 years old with no drivers license. He is not boy, not yet a pickle. He has to urinate so badly. SO FUCKING BADLY.

After a while, the ROAD TEST EXAMINER walks up. He is a man of about 70, 5'3", with a noticeable Russian accent. He may or may not have a wooden leg.

PICKLE: Good morning!

No response, as the EXAMINER fusses with some paper work.

PICKLE: Sure is hot, huh? Boy... How are you today?

No response.

PICKLE: How has your day been so f--

EXAMINER: Get in the car.

They get into the car, PICKLE on the driver's side, EXAMINER in the passenger side.

PICKLE: Here's my permit and paperwork.

The EXAMINER takes them silently. Farts. Looks up embarrassedly. Grins. Farts again.

PICKLE: Well, this is nice.

EXAMINER: (quietly) There is no way I'm going to pass you.


EXAMINER: Turn on the car.

PICKLE: No, wait, what did you just say?

EXAMINER: Turn on the car, sir.

PICKLE: No, before that.

EXAMINER: Sir, if you do not turn on the car and pull out, I will terminate this examination.

PICKLE: Okay. Right on.

They pull out of the spot and get going.

EXAMINER: (just as they reach a corner) Make a right turn here.

PICKLE slows down sharply to make the turn.

EXAMINER: Sir! Slow down.

PICKLE: Could you please tell me when to turn a little earlier? So I have time to signal and

stuff? And so I know where I'm going? And so... I'm failing, aren't I?

EXAMINER: You betcha.

PICKLE: Well. This is nice.

They drive on.

EXAMINER: Parallel park here behind this SUV.

PICKLE does so, impeccably, he might add.

EXAMINER: Fine. Whatever. Pull out.

PICKLE: That's what she said.

EXAMINER: Ten points off. For failing to illicit a laugh with a stupid joke.

PICKLE: Well. This is nice.

They pull out. They drive and eventually get back to the test site.

EXAMINER: Guess what?

PICKLE: I failed?

EXAMINER: (cheerily) Yep!

PICKLE: Great. This was fun. Let's do it again some time.

EXAMINER: Good luck.

PICKLE: Go fuck yourself.

PICKLE throws the old man out of the moving car and heads South to Mexico.


I also hit two small children and ran over a puppy. But it was mostly the examiner.


  1. EXAMINER: Wolfie's fine dear...


  2. EXAMINER: Cough, but try not to fart.

    WHOOF: ...?