Monday, September 20, 2010

The Running Man

Fresh off of my nearly unspeakable Yom Kippur rejection ordeal, I decided to lick my wounds by throwing on the old sneakers and padding my way around the neighbourhood for a bit. Little did I know that another outrage lay in wait.

Now, I don’t mean to single out Asian Woman Drivers, but for a moment, please allow me to single out Asian Woman Drivers. What makes this story so special is the fact that this particular offense was committed WITHOUT AN ACTUAL VEHICLE BEING INVOLVED. I know, I know, stay with me. Just stay with me.

So, there I was, huffing my way along a tree-lined road in the latter stages of my designated Sunday run. Now, know this: I am not the most approachable person. Not on a good day, let alone while hurtling downhill at a moderate speed. But this did not stop the Asian Woman Driver. No, to her, I must have looked like a great big red-faced cab with an ON DUTY light blinking wildly just for her. She was making her way down the short driveway in front of a township building towards a parked car, and upon seeing me, starts waving her hands and shouting.

What disappoints me about myself (today) is the fact that my initial reaction to a small, distressed-looking female obviously trying to get my attention for some potentially important reason was, well, utter annoyance. Ask anyone over 200lbs how much they enjoy coming to a full stop before finishing a long run when it isn’t to vomit, piss, or fall over. Jesus, people, it's fucking science. So, like the jackass I am, I removed one earbud as I approached the woman and bellowed like a crazy befouled spectre: “I CAN’T STOP!!!”

The woman blinks once and cocks her head as I scowl and start to prance in circles around her, running in place, while locking my eyes with hers as my body moved in one direction, then another.

Fucking ridiculous.

Woman: “Do you know how get poduce junkin?”

Jackass: (prancing, eyes narrowed): “What?”

Woman “Do you know how get poduce junkin?”

Jackass: “Do you mean Produce Junction?”

Woman: “Yes! How I get poduce junkin?”

Jackass: “Ugh! you, ugh, you turn left! (changes direction, swivels head), here and then you go up! that hill! (changes direction, swivels head again) and turn.... right! at the (catches breath) light. Go up! the (changes direction, swivels head) hill! and then..... look! for a set of shops (catches breath) on your right. (changes direction) It’s in there. (gasps)

Woman: “Turn left?”

Jackass: “yes.”

Woman: “Right here?”

Jackass: “YES”

Woman “Then go to light?”

Jackass: “YES YES YES THEN TURN RIGHT AND GO UP THE HILL ITS ON THE RIGHT NOW GO GO GO GO!! (puts earbud back in and staggers back out onto the road, moaning audibly).

I don’t know. I mean, who’s in the right, who’s in the wrong, I just don’t know. Fuck, I don't even care. Who stops a winded jogger for directions to a farmer’s market?

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