Change Communication

OK, I'll reluctantly acknowledge the fact that cell phones are never going to go away and that people will be on them for no apparent reason at seemingly ridiculous times - FOREVERMORE.

Fine. I get it. But there's a line, dammit. The phone calls while shopping? I'm over it. The dude in the bathroom stall who is chatting happily while explosive blasts of gas and excrement pepper the dialogue? Swing away, Merrill. But sometimes, even after you've sacked up and decided that it's the way of the world and you've got to budge, well sometimes - certain stuff just gets to you.

Super Fresh. An ATM right beside a Coinstar machine. I need some cash. Next to me, the woman walks up, coffee jar in hand, cell phone cradled to her ear.

"Yeah. It say 7% but I don't have no bank. I'ma do it here."

I close my eyes and exhale. I swipe my card and punch my keys. The ungodly jangle of pouring coins fills my head like a minted, coppery vuvuzela.

"Haha aight it's goin' now. It's countin'. I'ma wait, hold on."

Christ, little machine teller, it's only a pair of twenties. What are you looking for in there?

"Haha aight I'ma tell you. One dolla... Two dolla... Three dolla... Hold up it's countin' still. Aight -there it go - fo dolla..."

The bills mercifully drop. I snatch them up and stalk through the automated double doors, jaw set, eyes narrowed. The delighted laughter of someone who is still counting follows me out into the parking lot.

Halfway to my car, I realize that it is only going to get worse for me in the years to come...

The Running Man

Fresh off of my nearly unspeakable Yom Kippur rejection ordeal, I decided to lick my wounds by throwing on the old sneakers and padding my way around the neighbourhood for a bit. Little did I know that another outrage lay in wait.

Now, I don’t mean to single out Asian Woman Drivers, but for a moment, please allow me to single out Asian Woman Drivers. What makes this story so special is the fact that this particular offense was committed WITHOUT AN ACTUAL VEHICLE BEING INVOLVED. I know, I know, stay with me. Just stay with me.

So, there I was, huffing my way along a tree-lined road in the latter stages of my designated Sunday run. Now, know this: I am not the most approachable person. Not on a good day, let alone while hurtling downhill at a moderate speed. But this did not stop the Asian Woman Driver. No, to her, I must have looked like a great big red-faced cab with an ON DUTY light blinking wildly just for her. She was making her way down the short driveway in front of a township building towards a parked car, and upon seeing me, starts waving her hands and shouting.

What disappoints me about myself (today) is the fact that my initial reaction to a small, distressed-looking female obviously trying to get my attention for some potentially important reason was, well, utter annoyance. Ask anyone over 200lbs how much they enjoy coming to a full stop before finishing a long run when it isn’t to vomit, piss, or fall over. Jesus, people, it's fucking science. So, like the jackass I am, I removed one earbud as I approached the woman and bellowed like a crazy befouled spectre: “I CAN’T STOP!!!”

The woman blinks once and cocks her head as I scowl and start to prance in circles around her, running in place, while locking my eyes with hers as my body moved in one direction, then another.

Fucking ridiculous.

Woman: “Do you know how get poduce junkin?”

Jackass: (prancing, eyes narrowed): “What?”

Woman “Do you know how get poduce junkin?”

Jackass: “Do you mean Produce Junction?”

Woman: “Yes! How I get poduce junkin?”

Jackass: “Ugh! you, ugh, you turn left! (changes direction, swivels head), here and then you go up! that hill! (changes direction, swivels head again) and turn.... right! at the (catches breath) light. Go up! the (changes direction, swivels head) hill! and then..... look! for a set of shops (catches breath) on your right. (changes direction) It’s in there. (gasps)

Woman: “Turn left?”

Jackass: “yes.”

Woman: “Right here?”

Jackass: “YES”

Woman “Then go to light?”

Jackass: “YES YES YES THEN TURN RIGHT AND GO UP THE HILL ITS ON THE RIGHT NOW GO GO GO GO!! (puts earbud back in and staggers back out onto the road, moaning audibly).

I don’t know. I mean, who’s in the right, who’s in the wrong, I just don’t know. Fuck, I don't even care. Who stops a winded jogger for directions to a farmer’s market?