Tuesday, November 23, 2010

This is a Hold Up!

You may have heard about the recent outrage concerning the use of full-body scanners in airports. The "compromising" images are privately viewed yards away in a hooded, isolated booth - by an individual who is never seen nor in contact with the folks who pass through. Sensitive areas are blurred out. The process takes a few seconds. I am sure said individual is masturbating furiously and taking cell phone pictures of your grey and blurry form to sell online.

Those who refuse (or, officially, "opt out" of) a scan are subjected to a full-body pat down, which is performed (if you so choose) by a member of the same sex (?) and essentially involves the backs of the worker's hands moving up your thighs and never finding your tender loins. Another letdown.

Look, I'm a pretty pragmatic guy. I still see taking to the air as more of a privilege than a right. I mean, if you don't like the rules of being safely transported at 400 mph 30,000 feet above ground for $59 then forge a pair of your own wings and fly too close to the sun, OK? Also, I am a man who owns no curtains. I prance and flop about my home with nary a whit of concern about who may be huddled in the bushes just outside the window. Hell, at my age, any squinting pervert out there would bring a glorious shower of flattery and whimsy to my life. Modesty is not a priority for Pheewrap.

So while I am probably in the minority (shocker) my point is this: Search me. Scan me blur-free at high resolution with zoom, pat me down, bump my junk, slap my ass, I don't fucking care. It's all good. Just do what you need to do so I can get on that great big metal bird and kiss the sky. I know why you need to do it. I understand that it isn't because of anything I did that it has to be this way.

I simply accept it, and I suggest that the world fall in line behind me.

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