Monday, January 24, 2011

The Sweet Smell Of Blank

Day 1
---I've made a terrible mistake. Refer to the drawing on the left. That green desk is the freak. You know the one; always wearing that jacket that looks like an old rug, wire-frame glasses that hang off a crooked nose, and
...the smell.
The smell is that green, frothy wave descending on poor old orange desk.
I was poor old orange desk. And between choking down toxic fumes and ignoring the freak's class-disrupting questions about NASA, I'd decided to make a change.





Day 2
---I can't believe I was worried that one seat of olfactory distance wouldn't be sufficient! What wonders that little desk has given me...or should I say Wonder? When the fashionably dressed black male entered our classroom, I was already seated, my one desk buffer safely in place. As far as I was concerned, things were going well.
Then something amazing happened:
I smelled him. My goodness, I smelled him. Cologne? Fresh laundry? Summer storms? I don't have the words, but as he took that defensive desk, I didn't need them. His glorious aroma became a shield, and I knew I would never regret a seating assignment ever again.



Day 3
---All the good seats were taken and I was forced in back.
The pinkish glitter are two guidettes who won't shut the fuck up.
The three purple X's are bros that won't shut the fuck up.
The milky brown shit stain is an older woman snoring loudly.
WHEN DID MY CLASS BECOME A DOWNTOWN L-TRAIN!?
...
/tom waits'd

Cut, Sanded, and Scored

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Two Great Comebacks

Girl unsuccessfully cutting in front of me to get on bus : "Whatever happened to ladies first?!"

Me : "Whatever happened to ladies?"

/gets on bus

Altman Be Praised!

Friday, January 21, 2011

I'm Sorry.

I'm so sorry.
I don't know what else to say.
I have been coaching and exercising and reading and taking notes for lectures and canoodling with grandparents and Dadfleck's clients and the big boss and trying to write and giving up and giving up and doing laundry for Goldfleck and planning a long weekend and introducing myself to literary journal staff and eating tuna casserole and building fires and burning bridges.
But tomorrow evening, much like last night's surprise, is the payoff.
Not the paycheck.
Not the degree.
Not the networking.
No...just a few drinks with a few friends in a bar built for me by men long gone.
Bless their cold, dead hands;
I envy their long sleep, and await the peace to come.

I'm smiling because I really, really hate you.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

#1 Team In The NHL...

...twice in the 70's.

Simple Dinner



Bury me softly in this womb
I give this part of me for you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers
In a tomb...in bloom

Egg in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
You don't understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who wont let himself be

Egg in a hole, feelin so small
Egg in a hole, losin my soul
Id like to fly,
But my wings have been so denied

Egg in a hole and they've put all
The stones in their place
Ive eaten the sun so my tongue
Has been burned of the taste
I have been guilty
Of kicking myself in the teeth
I will speak no more
Of my feelings beneath

Egg in a hole, feelin so small
Egg in a hole, losin my soul
Id like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied

Bury me softly in this womb
Oh I want to be inside of you
I give this part of me for you
Oh I want to be inside of you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers (oh I want to be inside of you)
In a tomb...in bloom
Oh I want to be inside...

Egg in a hole, feelin so small
Egg in a hole, losin my soul
Egg in a hole, feelin so small
Egg in a hole, outta control
Id like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied

Umm...yeah

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Behold the Power of Boots


Come, let us scurry about with our sneakers and loafers and low cut duck shoes. Surely this is adequate protection against the rivers of sludge coursing through our gutters. What? ankle deep in the filthy mire? The rain has come and ravaged the mountains of filthy snow? Every crosswalk now must by fjorded and traversed. Parcels and toddlers must be portaged in flat-bed ferries, while we pay the Native American guides for safe passage. I have steel toe waterproof boots, pictured at left. Totally unnecessary? Absolutely. It's like driving an SUV, but with walking. I go out of my way to walk through snow and water when I wear them. It takes a full 30 seconds to lace one up, so I'm going to enjoy the ride. I tuck my jeans into them so everyone confuses me with a jungle explorer. I am nearly 6'4" in them. The days on which wearing the boots is necessary are some of the best days around. Watching people line up to use the one foot width section of cleared sidewalk is so much more fun when you're striding past them with your EZ-Pass footwear. I am one more snowstorm away from kicking down snowmen. And then blogging about it.

Patricide

Eating dinner in reclining chair. Dadfleck enters.
Dadfleck tells me he has scored box tickets to the Flyers game tomorrow. Many were purchased by his boss for clients, and the last remaining ticket was given to Dadfleck as they are good friends. Dadfleck's boss and I share the same first name. The irony is permeable.
My envy seethes from spaghetti-stuffed mouth.
"Free parking, too."
"Dad, you bastard."
He is torturing me. This is water-boarding. I would want nothing more than to watch some bullies curb-stomp some senators. Dadfleck is aware and continues:
"Just gonna relax and schmooze the clients and have some beer and chow down and lounge with the Flyers at my fingertips. Doesn't that sound just perfect, Whofleck?"
Kill Dadfleck. Acquire tickets.
"You are the devil, Dad."
"No no, son. We don't play them until Saturday."

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Advice(d)

I walked the ten minute two blocks to school in weather that could only be described as "bullshit." I spent another ten minutes trying to find the fourth floor of a building to which there is only one fourth floor accessible stairway, tucked in some hidden corner. I sat in my professor's office and discussed transcripts, audits, and tried not to notice that he was, without a doubt, the most disorganized man I have ever met. Ever watch that television program Hoarders? Imagine that; but worse.
As it turns out, he is not my adviser. As it turns out, I will have to petition for transferred credits to meet certain requirements. As it turns out, my orientation adviser was a liar.
"The updated audits list someone else as your adviser, so why did you come to me?"
Dr. Liar told me he had assigned you as my adviser.
"All of these credit dates are incorrect from what you tell me. And you have not done any of the follow-ups to determine which requirements your transferred credits meet?"
No. Dr. Liar said everything was fine. Dr. Liar spoke nothing of "follow-ups."
"Did he tell you he was leaving the college a week after your orientation? Didn't you think he may have been doing a lousy job, considering he wouldn't be accountable when you actually started the semester?"
Dr. Liar assured me he would take care of everything.
"Well, in the case of the petitions you're going to need some paperwork. Syllabus' and course descriptions from a handbook should suffice. Have those?"
No. I do not have paperwork from classes I took nearly six years ago.
"Hm."
Hm.
"Here's the literary information you requested and four people you need to talk to. They should be able to resolve everything."
Thanks. And the PE credits?
"I don't know. Do you like the book I assigned for class?"
Sure, Dr. Trumble. It's surprisingly good. If you'll excuse me, I need to smoke a cigarette, ponder the possible ramifications of developing another aggressive relationship with a school's administration, and get to class on time. Thanks for all your help.
"See you tomorrow morning!"



Maybe, Dr. Trumble.
Maybe...

BUSted



The situation has not improved. My morning commute is at times an Orwellian deathmarch of lines, scans, and randomized squad patrols. More efficient, they said. Faster, they promised. Better enforcement, they asserted. BUT AT WHAT COST? The long lines to get on the bus have been replaced by long lines for ticket machines located three feet from the traffic whizzing by. Once you have your ticket, you stand in the frozen mob waiting for the next bus, jockeying for position. People who have paid first and waited the longest end up getting on the bus last, as they are pushed back from the curb by the swell of human traffic coming off the ticket machines. From the line, to the mob, to the mobby line that forms at each black door to the bus. Every day, it is a sad day to be elderly, disabled, or the guardian of a child if you wish to ride the bus. Hold on to your tickets. You will need your paper tickets. You no longer scan your metrocard onto the bus and be done with it, each person is issued a paper receipt for each trip. More efficient, they said. How, we screamed.

Hold on to your tickets. Because without warning, the bus stops and the doors open. People who try to get off are met by two enforcement guards asking to see tickets. No ticket? $100 fine. Then they come onto the bus. "Please have your receipts ready." They repeat. More efficient, they said, as traffic whizzes by. You hold up your ticket, they read the time and the date and the bus route. One woman desperately hunts through her many wet pockets as the agent stands in front of her with a neutral expression. "I know I have it," she says nervously as many eyes fall upon her. The bus idles, indifferent. "It must have fallen out of my pocket!" she cries, looking at those around her. Their eyes dart to the floor. There is nothing any of us can do for her. She may be lying, she may not be. It makes no difference. "Please come with me," the agent says, and walks off the bus. Doomed, the woman slinks off the bus as the doors hiss shut behind her.

Worst is the MTA agent who is all smiles every morning. "Hello! Please have your receipts ready! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" he repeats as he checks each ticket. When finished, if he is without prey, he titters; "Have a great day, everyone!" Then he goes home and skullfucks a stray kitten.

I didn't have a ticket once. The machine was broken at my stop and a group of us were instructed to get on the bus by the agent there. When I got off 30 minutes later, far away from the broken machine, I was confronted by an agent at my departure stop. "Why don't you have a ticket?" he asked, holding my Pennsylvania driver's license. Checking my fury, I repeated again that the machine at my origin stop was broken, and that I was instructed to get on the bus along with dozens of others. He holds my arm, all 5'8" of him clad in an MTA windbreaker and dangling faux sheriff badge, and asks the busdriver if this is true. It was. He handed me my license and let go of my arm.

"You need a receipt from now on," he said.

More efficient, they said.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Advice(r)

Ring Ring!

Whofleck: Hello? Dr. Trumble?

Dr. Trumble: Speaking. (dead inside)

Whofleck: This is Whofleck, I think you are my adviser and I'm in your English 135 class on Mondays and We-

Dr. Trumble: Of course! How can I help you!? (god I hope he didn't read those bios we wrote in class)

Whofleck: I just wanted to set up a meeting and discuss some concerns with my degree audit and ask you some questions about the literary community here at Poop State.

Dr. Trumble: Shoot. (long pause, what is he expecting?)

Whofleck: ...pardon?

Dr. Trumble: Go ahead, what's on your mind? (oh shit, son. flood gates)

Whofleck: Well, I wanted to go over my academic plan and try and outline everything for maximum efficiency regarding requirements. Also, I'd like to talk about dodging the language requirement and what I've gathered are PE requirements.

Dr. Trumble: Go on. (wait, is this the meeting?)

Whofleck: I took six years of German in high school and successfully scored out of the requirement when I attended college the first time. (shame) To me it seems silly that I would need to retake the same exam...also, after four years of not speaking German, I doubt I could pass again. The gym thing is just stupid to me, which the athletic history on my transcripts should make obvious.

Dr. Trumble: We'll see what we can do. (oh, we will, will we?)

Whofleck: So...tomorrow?

Dr. Trumble: Tomorrow morning, my office. Also, the campus literary and arts journal is the Abaddon Review. I can give you more information on that when we meet. (and so it begins...)

Whofleck: Excellent! Thank you so much, Dr. Trumble. I'll see you tomorrow.

Dr. Trumble: One more thing, Whofleck. (fuck fuck fuck fuck)

Whofleck: Y-yes? (jesus christ!)

Dr. Trumble: Happy MLK Day. I loved that bio you wrote in class.

Whofleck: (smiling) Happy MLK Day, professor.

GT MLK?

The Silver Lining


Physician Co-Pay:
$20

Estimated out-of-pocket costs (including deductible):
$950

A completely legal vial of Oxycodone, a magnum of serviceable Chianti, a few days of paid medical leave and some leftover pot roast:
PRICELESS!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Yurassic Park

What's the only thing scarier than a T-Rex?


A T-rex that speaks spanish!

Ultra-Derp





















I was furious and told them to go have a "Pee Fiesta."
They laughed and only half of them we're disqualified.
"Of course I watched your race! So fast!"

Saturday, January 15, 2011

The Spirit Of Men

As the door to his quarter-pod slipped open, the General heard commotion on the grounds outside and frowned.

“LONG LIVE KETHEL RAE!

LONG LIVE THE SPIRIT OF MAN!

WE REMEMBER BROX, WE RE-“

And then the door shut. His scout, Feldrey, was staring at him now. Feldrey knew his General’s face, and quickly tried to reorganize his report into something more agreeable to his superior’s mood. General Rae had not the time to spare.

“Your report, Fel. Stop staring at me and speak, you dumb bastard.”

Feldrey started, “Uh-of course sir.” The General’s frown sunk deeper. “In-in, in in…”

“Unless my armies are stationed in these pretty green eyes,” the General said slowly, blinking “I suggest you gather yourself. You are easily replaced, Fel.”

“In the North, sir. The Ignite Falls are under Human control. Even with the high-ground, Nim’roh defensive capabilities are overstated. Your plan was a success, and your K/D ratios were within an incredible margin, sir. General, we’ve pushed them back to the cave beyond the rear lines. They have only the webbing of the Under-Roads and a fractured city presence remaining in this sector. And Lancer teams from the West report more retreats from the enemy. There are rumors that they are surrendering the campaign, sir.” Feldrey breathed, waited.

“If I wanted rumors, Fel, I would leave my fucking door open and have no need of you.” Finally, General Rae began to regain his composure. “Look here with your dumb eyes and learn something.”

The General marched over to his Holomap, enormous under the humming Earth-light. Feldrey followed, momentarily overwhelmed by this impromptu lesson. He was listening intently. General Rae stood tall and shifted his sight into emptiness beyond. The vacuum was opened and a gust of hot wind blasted them both. Feldrey covered his face; his General did not.

“Finnis IV, or Nim in native tongue. We hunted the Hiveminders to this red rock. See?” The General, shifting his gaze to the impressed scout at his side, was satisfied and continued. “Sixty sectors mapped in standard A.R.T.H. Sixty thousand men for every sector: Lancers, Engineers, Infants, Squalls, Shifters, Readers, and even those pill-popping Marines. In orbit, dozens of Star-Galleons, beams pointed with astonishing accuracy at every enemy post. If it weren’t for this shit terrain and the unfiltered atmosphere, we would have simply burned the beasts to a cinder cycles ago. And now, after seasons and seasons of surviving our sieges and disrupting our Starports, they suddenly retreat? Look.”

The General forced his hand into the heart of the planet and flicked his wrist. A sequence of exploding light illuminated the entire war. Feldrey watched, searching for an answer that would surprise his General, but none came.

“The retreats happen so quickly, sir. It began at sectors twelve and thirty four, but the pattern appears random. One would assume they are simply reacting to individual defeats. You think otherwise, sir?”

General Rae smiled, and Feldrey nearly burst with pride. “This sequence is accurate, Fel, as is your first impression. But this map is incomplete.”

“Of course, General.” Feldrey said, “There exist no maps of the Under-Roads. There cannot, as our treaty with the Nim’roh forbid it…even in times of war.”

He stared at his General. Kethel Rae knew that the boy wanted to be taught. “Your mind is lazy, but not without hope. The Under-Roads are an unbelievable maze of trade routes, safe havens, and fucking fortresses for all we know. It is surely one of the first things the Hiveminders coveted. And I have no doubt they won their prize from these barbarians. Their alliance is our greatest weakness. We see no Hiveminders on the surface. When our plasma shields bloom and break like tiny red hearts, we fall to Nim’roh; not Hiveminders. They hide in the depths.”

“But we guard the entrances, General!” Feldrey interrupted.

“No, fool. We are simply stomping at moles...nevermind, it's an Earth-term. We are being led to believe that they are pinned, hopeless. But we are the ones who are trapped here. This surface world is unbearable to Humans, and with every cycle we weaken, no matter how many sectors we take. Beneath us lies the battlefield, Fel. In all the histories of all the species circling every star I’ve had to misfortune of destroying, no resistance surrenders. To them this is a revolution of body and spirit. And as long as they hold in their burrows, their dream lives; grows, even.”

Feldrey delved into his own mind for understanding and reply. Again, General Rae could not spare the time. As he was about to send the boy off on another errand, the General’s V-Comm flickered and squeaked.

“Kethel, we have to talk.” The face hesitated, noticing the young scout at the old General’s side. When the image settled and came into view, General Rae frowned.

“Dorn, a moment.” Before he could lift an eyebrow, Feldrey was gone, his leave marked by another wash of cheers from outside. “We’re alone, what is it?”

“It’s Commander Ricker, Kethel. How long will it take you to understa-“

“If you called to waste my fucking time, Dorn, I’ll just mute the damn thing and have a good laugh at your flapping mouth.” The General knew that his outburst was probably unwise. In fact, he didn’t care. Dorn was just a Reader. A worm.

“Hm! I’d say you have the wrong attitude about me, Kethel! Regardless, it’s about these numbers of yours…”

“I’m a strategist, not a goddamn mathematician. Dorn. Get on with it.”

“Too high, old man. Send them back out. Somewhere we can lose a few squadrons. The transports have been landing like clockwork since you got the natives retreating, and we don’t have the supplies for every man. This is fringe space, and it’s getting too costly for you to keep winning.”

How the hell did wriggling, dishonorable scum like Dorn Ricker get command of this war? General Rae thought. Blackmail, intelligence, something like that. Readers are always using bullshit to get ahead. But command!? Of an entire world!

“I’ll see what I can do.”

“Excellent. Oh, by the way, I have a representative from Earth coming to keep an eye on you. Old friend of mine, treat her well. Name’s Kiela. And before you ask: yes." Dorn smiled and gave a flamboyant salute. "I’ll be seeing you, Kethel Rae…long live us both!”

And with a quick chuckle the screen dimmed to its desolate green matte. General Rae had a great deal on his mind. Dorn was sending spies, now. Earth Readers, extremely well-trained. Having them in the shadows was bad enough, but trying to keep one ignorant while she stands at his side would be impossible. In an instant, he decided to tell her everything. At this point, it didn’t matter. He walked back toward the Holomap and extended his arm again. The stance reminded him of the order Dorn had given. Kethel Rae, completely out of character, felt gloomy.

All at once the cacophony began again, and in the doorway of his small pod, consumed in the red light of Nim, world of flame, stood a lovely woman.

“WE REMEMBER BROX,

WE REMEMBER EARTH!

LONG LIVE DORN RICKER,

THE MIND-SLAYER!

LONG LIVE KETHEL RAE!

LONG LIVE THE SPIRIT OF MAN!”