Watch ya buns, Kobayashi!

At last, my friends, we can rest. Today, on America Day, at our nation's greatest reiteration of global dominance, New York's finest nabbed one of the key players in the global criminal underworld: the chameleon: Kobayashi. Just after Joey Chestnut, DDS, took home his hundredth 7/4 title, the venemous Kobayashi crawled out from his mustardy hiding place to make some kind of point about his inclusion. Officer Thuman, who assisted with the arrest, appeared baffled at finding his "biggest catch" appear right in front of his booze-blurred eyes. "The choke hold hasn't come in handy in quite some time. I guess I still got my chops."

Cultured readers may recall K-'s involvement in a variety of mysterious crimes, including a $91 million deal for "dope that wasn't there". A film adaptation of the famous crime was conceived, written and performed by

Police plan to investigate why, of all places, Kobayashi chose the annual America Independence Day Gastrothon for his reemergence. Thuman, regardless, has taken it a little personally. "He's doin' fine. Marcucci's preppin about 200 dogs on the roof as we speak, and wah gonna show dis f@*# whyda NYPD's got banned from dat hotdog contest too."

Agent Kujan offered no comment on the situation.

An Open Letter to the Crazy Guy on this Morning's Commute:

Good for you! You really showed those college-boy commuters how to have a fun ride. Forget about what they said about you being a fat slovenly jerk who carries all of his possessions stuffed into target bags. That's only true if you look at things objectively. You my friend have a much better understanding of the world. And a stench that could stop a truck to boot.

And yes, I will take your advice and lubricate -- not because we can't let the Chinese be the only ones doing it, but because it feels good on the penis. That may have been what you meant. You seemed to be stuck speaking in metaphors for quite a while. Man, you were sure over my head!

Like when you started singing your "Adam had a party" song, which was just that line repeated over and over again? Wow man, I mean, wow. You totally got to me there. I mean, it's such an interesting topic, What would Adam's party really be like? I guess it would depend on whether he had been banished from Eden yet, which you barely hinted at when you stopped briefly to note that "Eve wouldn't be there". Not sure what you meant by that. Could you send me the latest newsletter/pamphlet that clarifies your position on this? Anway, like, furry creatures and everything? Is that what you meant? That's a great party idea. Bringing two of every creature to bang it out right there on the floor in God's foyer. I know he'd love that!

Can you teach me to sing and dance like that? I think you'd work well in front of a piano. Do you play piano? You'd be really awesome if you had a microphone too. When are you riding the subway next? Let me know if you do cause I'm starting to think you don't have a mailing address and this letter is never going to find you. Talk soon!