Watch ya buns, Kobayashi!

At last, my friends, we can rest. Today, on America Day, at our nation's greatest reiteration of global dominance, New York's finest nabbed one of the key players in the global criminal underworld: the chameleon: Kobayashi. Just after Joey Chestnut, DDS, took home his hundredth 7/4 title, the venemous Kobayashi crawled out from his mustardy hiding place to make some kind of point about his inclusion. Officer Thuman, who assisted with the arrest, appeared baffled at finding his "biggest catch" appear right in front of his booze-blurred eyes. "The choke hold hasn't come in handy in quite some time. I guess I still got my chops."

Cultured readers may recall K-'s involvement in a variety of mysterious crimes, including a $91 million deal for "dope that wasn't there". A film adaptation of the famous crime was conceived, written and performed by

Police plan to investigate why, of all places, Kobayashi chose the annual America Independence Day Gastrothon for his reemergence. Thuman, regardless, has taken it a little personally. "He's doin' fine. Marcucci's preppin about 200 dogs on the roof as we speak, and wah gonna show dis f@*# whyda NYPD's got banned from dat hotdog contest too."

Agent Kujan offered no comment on the situation.

Baaad Influence

Did you have fun during your sleepover?
Oh, great. That's just great. I don't want you hanging out with that giraffe-boy anymore.
Why? Well, first of all, because I said so. I'm your mother, and you should know by now to do as I say. Just look at the way he dresses! Spots!? And that tongue! Did he dye it black to look cool? You think that's cool? He looks like a creep.
And a hoodlum.
...
Have you been smoking grass?
DON'T LAUGH AT ME.
You know what I mean;
Marijuana.

Well, you better not have. No lamb of mine is stupid enough to take drugs and spend their time getting into trouble with street-rats. And you're not sleeping over at his mother's apartment ever again, as far as I'm concerned, so just forget about that. Your father will hear about this, too, and you better get your act together before he does.

Son. Listen to your mother.