Thursday, May 9, 2013

How hard could it be?

I was wearing my tightest pants today, which is already an admission because I have a large ass and the prettiest pink thighs you can't get your hands around.  Trying to do that is like trying to choke a rhinocerous at a dry wedding.  It's not happening, pal.  Sometimes I try to cheat and touch my thumbs together and HNNNGGGGG myself forward to get my middle fingers to touch but god damn it, that rhinocerous must do shrugs all damn day because his airway is unconstricted and the Bride is a reformed Mormon who just can't stand the evils of the intemperenace.

But look, these were my tightest pants, okay?  So you probably know where this is going.  Yep.  I looked down and I wondered...hmmm "I could probably get a thigh gap if I wanted".  These are not normal, appropriate thoughts.  These are not thoughts I used to have.  These are not thoughts anyone but twitter-obsessed 13 year old girls have.  Well, those girls and yours truly.  And then I laughed at myself, because I have thick, stupid thighs.  To create a gap would involve having me ride an overturned barrel and then breaking both of my kneecaps so my shins jut in sideways beneath me, so I look like an enormous pacifier ring that has a torso instead of a rubber nipple.

What the hell was I thinking?  But still- lunges should do, it right guys?  Guys?


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