Friday, February 26, 2010

Snow and the Nine Circles of Douche


What's this? A weather-related post? No post like a snow post, I say. A snow post is when you use powdered sugar instead of a condom. TRY IT! What?

Neither of my bosses came to work today. They've left me the key to the generator shed and just enough petrol to kill whatever slaughtered all of our sled dogs. I am MacReady. The snow turns people silly, just silly. I'm one of them. When I drifted to the bathroom in the dark this morning I pretended I was an Imperial Probe Droid. And then I started peeing. I'm a real boy!

I bring you the Snowy 9 Circles of Douche:

9.) The Petwalkers- Dogs need to use the sidewalk even if it snows. Sadly, so do I. There's already only a little narrow path for both of us to use. And I get confused when we're both wearing sweaters. But then one of us starts pooping. You're an animal! Go in a drift. Like me! People don't clean up after their dogs when it snows. Because like, eventually the snow will melt? I don't understand. I just want the same rights dogs on the Upper East Side have.

8.) Walkers- I am a habitually unselfish walker, even when in a hurry. I defer to my smaller walking compatriots, but if someone is bigger than I, I delight in cutting them off for the sheer novelty of it. When it snows, this becomes exponentially worse as people shamelessly jockey for the clearest parts of the path and and get all fussy about avoiding the slushiest part of corner crossings. When a line forms to step off the fucking curb I feel my heart turn black and my hands start to shake.

7.) Umbrella Users- It's not rain. See DP's post. People who keep their umbrella up until the Last Possible Second while descending subway stairs in the snow need to be drowned in a corner crossing slush pond.

6.) Ornery Shovelers- Look, thank you for shoveling. You're doing a great job. Without you, this shitty walk would be slightly more shitty. Your futile efforts are a study in entropy, but god forbid any one of the 1.6 million people living on this island need to walk past you while you are actively shoveling. The sighing. The agitated pausing. The eye-rolling. It's like watching Jay Cutler, except I don't feel bad for an entire Midwestern city.

5.) Snow As Default Conversation Topic- I am guilty of this. Sometimes it's the only way to get people to stop talking to you.

-"How are you?"
-"It's really comin' down!"
-"How's your day going?"
-"The weather said it may keep up until three this afternoon!"
-"I'm gonna stop talking to you."
-"Boy it's been a crazy winter!"
-"..."

4.) The Panickers- These often overlap with the 5th circle. Like a Venn Diagram. People in this circle are oft referred to as "Chicken Littles" by no one but myself, as they are both alarmist and taste wonderful with a lemon-garlic rub on medium high heat for seven minutes.

3.) Weathermen- You are only relevant for one season out of the year. And you fucking know it. How you take your time with your radar-data-fed musings, now, meteorman. "Check Back at 11 To See How Your Commute Will Be Affected During Tomorrow's Snow Emergency". Oh? So it's an emergency? BUT YOU WON'T TELL US UNTIL YOU'RE READY? Oooooh you pricks. I love when you're wrong even more than I like when I'm right. And when both of those things happen at the same time, it's like snowposting.

2.) Children- They can't help it. Their exuberance. Their lack of school or responsibility. Their sled-mounted gleeful laughing reminders that it's over for adults. They aren't even aware that there are degrees of douche yet. And oh how I envy them. The bitter jealousy washes over me like a tide.

1.) The Guy on the Downtown 4 Train Yesterday at 5:15 PM- Holy shit this guy was the ruler of douchedom. About 5'10", wearing a peacoat and a light blue scarf. First he cuts in front of a guy to get onto a crowded train, and then parks himself right at the door with a crowd of people still trying to get on. The guy he cuts off goes "why did you cut in front of me? that was really rude!" Yuppieclowndick replies, "I said excuse me, I wanted to get on the train." Bewildered man "I can't believe you would do something like that." Bonerjones replies "Shut the fuck up." Bewildered man, making his way past him, shakes his head "I don't like your attitude." DoucheofLourdes flies into a rage "Oh you don't like my attitude?! You've got a fucking problem?" I am now between the two of them, trying to get onto the train. "Why don't you step out here and tell me about my attitude?" CorporalDouche is now blocking the doorway to a packed train with people trying to still get on, his black leathered thumb hooked over his shoulder toward the platform. "COME ON, LET'S STEP OUTSIDE, GIRLFRIEND!" People stare. Bewildered man has now become bewildered everyone, and DoucheChunnel just looks around and then goes back to standing...the man he was yelling at now a full ten feet away inside the car. I loved it. But god help that man's actual girlfriend.

1 comment:

  1. There's an infant clinging to his overweight mother in the cold as they go to shop for cigarettes / And she spends her last dollar on a bottle of vodka for tonight.

    I think you've earned a weekend of phoning it in with this post.

    /slow clap
    //goes home to try snowposting

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